On June 18, 2017, I broke my iPhone beyond repair. When I went to my local cellular savior for a replacement, he blessed me with a screen protector that also functions as a privacy screen. "Why do you think I need this, Victor?" I asked him, worried that he thought I was some sort of perv. He looked at me knowingly, perhaps foreseeing me three months later, unafraid to bump Tove Lo
's "Disco Tits" on the bus despite sitting next to a nun.
Here are some other tracks that might out your freak status:
"Pussy" - Brazilian Girls
Wow, we are really going to dive right into this. The Brazilian Girls' ode to "pussy, pussy, pussy, marijuana" remains as catchy and blush-inducing as the first time I heard it play at the Wythe Hotel. I was with my dad. There's no privacy screen for hotel bar DJs.
"Rawnald Gregory Erickson the Second" - STRFKR
Upon reading this entry, you might think something along the lines of hey, that title may be strange but it's not very embarrassing. Please don't play it for your grandma. If you play it for your grandma, there's no doubt she's going to love the indie electro beats so much that she'll ask you for the band's name. You are going to have to pronounce "STRFKR" as "Starfucker" because while saying each letter individually might save your angelic position in your grandma's heart, you cannot lie to her.
Any and all songs on Gabriel Gundacker's album I Wanna Meet Richard Dreyfuss.
Songs about Richard Dreyfuss kept popping up on my Discover Weekly playlist until I relented and listened to Gabriel Gundacker's creepy concept album in its entirety. The problem with this comedy album is that it's so incredibly catchy. You'll eventually out yourself as a stalker fan when you drunkenly hold your friend's Amazon Fire Stick hostage at her birthday party as you force everyone to listen to this 10 track, 20 minute long masterpiece. (Gundacker actually met the Jaws star and includes their interaction in the last half of the album, by the way, so clearly this strategy works.)
"We Have Candy" - Die Antwoord
Honestly, anything in Die Antwoord's discography will make your super Catholic grandmother tow you to your local priest for your annual exorcism. But "We Have Candy" holds a special place in my heart. Never make the mistake of thinking you're home alone when you move in with a stranger because you're going to find out the hard way that she's just really, really quiet. Forgive me, Maura. It's just that Yo-Landi Vi$$er kind of sounds like Gollum and I'm weirdly into it.
"Rumors" - Lindsay Lohan
Some former Disney stars launched incredibly lucrative and successful music careers. Others were Lindsay Lohan. Don't tell your grandma that the sweet redhead from Herbie: Fully Loaded
went off the deep end for awhile, and definitely don't tell your grandma that you have the music taste of an 11 year-old. That's embarrassing for her!
Remember to set your Spotify to Private Session next time you want to indulge in your weirdo guilty pleasures.