The day after a festival will arguably be the worst day of your life. It's a phenomenon my friends and I affectionately dubbed "Lolla Day Four." Before Chicago's Lollapalooza decided to murder us and actually become a 4-day long festival, we would celebrate the unofficial fourth day by wearing boxers in public and eating munchkins.
If you were fortunate enough to attend the Meadows this weekend in NYC, you were probably unfortunate enough to have to go to work on the Monday after. You did spend $305 on those three day passes, after all. Next year, have the foresight to get your shifts covered so you can follow these steps to recovery.
Bonus points if you follow these steps with equally regret-filled friends.
Step 1: Fix those feet!
You just spent the past three days quite literally on your toes, since somehow tall people always manage to stand in front of you during your favorite band's set. Go get a freakin' pedicure, or at least give your phalanges a nice soak at home. Put on some fuzzy socks and chill out for a bit.
Step 2: Throw out those shoes.
If you don't throw them out yourself, your mom will toss them the next time she comes to visit. She doesn't care if those are your "festival Converse." Beat her to the punch and your apartment closet won't reek so much.
Step 3: Take a nap.
You already completed two steps, and we all know it was emotionally draining to dispose of the sneakers you've owned since the eighth grade. It's freakin' nap time.
Step 4: Wake up and purge your Snap story.
I firmly believe that if you pay that much money for concert tickets, you are entitled to have as long of a Snapchat or Instagram story as you damn well please. However, now would be a good time to cleanse your social media of anything embarrassing. It was funny yesterday when all you had in your system was Four Loko and truffle fries, but now the video of you failing to do a handstand while belting out a pitchy "Pumped Up Kicks" is not something you're entirely proud of.
Step 5: Free your hair from the flower crown you found on the ground.
You promised you wouldn't wear one this year, but we all knew you were lying. Now the festival cliche has become a part of you, literally suturing itself into your locks. Serves you right for falling asleep in it. Now you're going to have to give yourself a DIY haircut.
Step 6: Blast some music.
Your ears have not yet adjusted fully to silence. Make the ringing noises go away by pounding your barely holding on eardrums with more sound. Recent studies have shown that upbeat music can actually improve your mood, so if you can actually still hear anything, you might be able to dance the sadness away.
Step 7: Leave your dwelling.
As much as you may be tempted to remain a cave person for the rest of your days, you're going to have to leave your house/apartment/rabbit hole. Sunlight will also drastically improve your mood.
Step 8: Run, or maybe just walk. Your feet still hurt.
Festival days always lead to the highest numbers on our step counters, but even though the last thing you want to do is move your sore body, exercise is the best medicine. If it helps, run - I mean walk, jeez sorry - to the nearest Dunkin Donuts or something.
Step 9: Don't actually go to Dunkin Donuts.
Caffeine is going to make you anxious and that'll just make you even sadder that the festival is over.
Step 10: Wait, maybe treat yourself to a donut.
You don't have to worry about looking good in your festival clothes anymore, so why not throw all dietary caution to the wind?
Step 11: At least wash that donut down with some veggies.
Healthy carbohydrates like vegetables and whole grains replenish your serotonin levels, which we all know are at a dismal low today thanks to the insane amount of drugs you probably did this weekend. No worries, we won't judge you. Just eat some broccoli, and I mean actual broccoli, not the kind you smoked yesterday.
Step 12: You can go back to bed now.
Congratulations! You did a lot! You rested, you left the house, ate some healthy food (we'll forget that donut), and cleansed your social media of embarrassing footage. That's enough for today. Get to bed early, though, since you really need to go back to work tomorrow if you're ever going to save up for the next festival.