An Exhaustive List Of Scenarios Where It's OK To Listen To Elliott Smith In No Particular Order

    • Posted by: Joe Puglisi

    You guys, I'm tired of the recent rash of "best of" lists trying to chronicle the best Elliott Smith songs. There is NO SUCH THING as the "best" Elliott Smith song. They are all the worst Elliott Smith song. Period. No one should want to "be in the mood" to listen to Elliott Smith, because it is such an awful mood you must be in! It's an emotionally taxing and depressing (albeit sometimes necessary) state of mind that as responsible adult humans, we should fear and attempt to avoid by trying to live decent and fulfilling lives, or so my guidance counselor told me. Do you LIKE depression? Because if you do, then this is your new jam! And by jam, I mean get help. But it seems like plenty of people are willing to rank Smith's work without providing the INCREDIBLY NECESSARY list of reasons why you might turn to Elliott Smith for sonic escape and wallowing.

    Let's not belittle the genius of Smith by trying to rank his tortured art. Let's just make a huge list of when to wield it.


    The day after Christmas
    Middle School gym class
    You just broke up
    Your car dies
    Your dog dies
    Your iPhone dies
    Sibling fails a drug test and goes back to jail
    Sibling beats you up in a serious way
    You drop out of college
    Parents hate you
    The Patriots win the Superbowl
    Your ex's new boyfriend beats you up
    Your ex's new girlfriend beats you up
    Your ex's new transgender-friend gives you a sex-ed pamphlet about scary things
    Mitt Romney gets elected
    You're shaving and consider cutting
    You're 13
    You're 14
    You're 15
    You're 16
    You're 17
    You're 18
    You're 19
    It's raining
    It's cold enough to snow
    Another story involving gun violence
    You live in Minnesota
    Because life is hard, and you also have student loans
    You're 35
    You watched Good Will Hunting again
    Anderson Cooper
    You failed the LSAT
    You time travel to 1996
    Divorce court
    You're within 50 feet of a graveyard
    Die Antwoord are still releasing new music and people are buying it
    Your TV broke
    You're broke
    Broken windows in your immediate line of sight
    iPod shuffle*
    You drop your sandwich on the floor and YOU REALLY WANTED IT
    You have Celiac and can't eat pizza and it's pizza friday in the office
    You blew the interview
    Your wine was corked
    Bad haircut
    Favorite celebrity gets married
    Favorite celebrity couple gets divorced
    Fender bender
    Tax return is due, you aint got no money
    Driving through the desert
    Valentine's Day
    The day after Valentine's Day
    You read about Suri Cruise's latest birthday party, which cost roughly about the same as your liberal arts college tuition
    You remember Honey Boo-Boo exists
    Ran out of bath soap, realized it while in the shower
    Remember Michael Jackson is dead
    Pants dont fit anymore
    It's your 30th birthday and youre single
    It's your 30th birthday and youre married with four kids
    Internet connection is down
    You tried plugging and unplugging it again and again
    You stubbed your toe
    Your mom made you clean your room
    You still live with your mom
    Your mom has an annoying cat and he keeps biting your feet
    Ellio's Frozen Cheese Pizza for dinner... again
    Microwave is broken
    No more matching socks
    Movie sold out, but you preemptively bought popcorn because you were hungry
    Hi-C discontinued Ecto-Cooler
    It's snowing but it's not a snow day at your school
    Cable bill keeps changing for no reason
    Nothing on TV
    Credit card debt
    The Dark Knight movies triology is over
    Someone is tailgating you really hard
    Ticketmaster messed up your ticket order
    You think about the broken education system in America
    Store ran out of your favorite Doritos
    The DJ at your cousin's Bar Mitzvah

    Add your own!

    *does not require legitimate depression if it is a truly random event, but approach with caution

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