A Song for Every Stereotypical High-School Clique
    • WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 08, 2018

    • Posted by: Nell Snow

    The sun is pounding down on us and it feels like it's a million degrees out, so it's hard to believe that summer is winding down. Yet hundreds of kids are already preparing for school. While looking forward to a world full of gray tiles, boring teachers, and bathroom passes, sometimes the only bright spot is getting excited to see friends again.

    So it's understandable that students often try to shove themselves into little boxes to try to fit in. That doesn't make cliques any less ridiculous though, so let's make fun of some of the most stereotypical ones…. I mean, let's help some of the most stereotypical ones out with some fresh music to add to their playlists. Yeah.

    Popular Kids

    Look, the popular kids are basic. It's just a fact. Their entire persona is carefully edited down to the qualities that are appealing to the largest amount of people. Plus, they've never really had to find themselves through music or other art. But just because they listen to basic music doesn't mean they can't listen to good music. And maybe they'll be able to identify with this song. "Everybody Hates Me" is about the pitfalls of fame, and being popular is basically the high school equivalent of being a celebrity.

    Jocks

    This is the ultimate pump up song for before a championship match.

    Nerds

    Do you know who Satoshi Nakamoto is? Probably not… unless you were a nerd in high school. For everyone who was too busy getting laid, Satoshi Nakamoto is the founder of bitcoin. Although I have no evidence, I'm going to just go ahead and claim that this is the only hip hop song written about him. I mean, who does that? Gramatik, that's who. The guy who makes fire music, has his own crypto currency, and actually holds up a sign after shows that says "SCIENCE IS COOL." He's awesome. (A little disclaimer though- I'm not trying to imply that this song is in any way educational or lacking in drug references. Don't, for an example, try to teach your child about cryptocurrency with it).

    Burnouts

    This might be an old song but it's an absolute classic, and an anthem for the burnout lifestyle. And Snoop Dogg is just the obvious choice here. Besides, burnouts aren't keeping up with the latest trends in music. That would take, like, effort.

    Hippies

    While Burnouts have the blinds firmly closed, hippies are hiking some trail in the middle of the woods. While Burnouts are turning their fingers orange with Dorito dust, Hippies are snacking on hummus and quinoa. Yet they often get lumped into the same category because of their mutual appreciation of (you guessed it) marijuana. That's not going to be a mistake made on this list. The hippies deserve a song that they can listen to while playing hacky sack on the grass (that's still written by someone who smokes a lot of weed).

    Artsy Kids

    FKJ is the artsy, indie hero we all need. His music is beautiful and vibe-y, and he's just quirky enough. (His name stands for French Kiwi Juice… I dunno). This song belongs in a room filled with sunlight, with some artsy teen lying on their stomach, sketching in a journal.

    Goths

    Evenescence was the quintessential goth band when I was going into high school. And I always sorta' wanted to be emo. So although I looked like about the farthest thing from a goth, I made up for it by listening to So. Much. Evenescence. Their new Song, "Hi-Lo" is a collaboration with the incredible violinist Lindsey Sterling. The sad melody and Amy Lee's iconic voice are sure to fill all your over-emotional needs.

    Theatre Kids

    What, you thought I wasn't going to use a Broadway sound track? I spent enough bus rides with drama nerds to know that they don't listen to anything else. And also that they really don't mind singing along at the top of their lungs in an enclosed space with a bunch of other people there.

    --

    So that's all I have for you today, folks. Which totally embarrassing stereotype were you? I was a nerd. High school was rough. Good luck to everyone going back.

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