FRIDAY, AUGUST 07, 2015 |
Posted by: Don Saas
I watch a lot of pro wrestling. I'd say it's one of the great secret shames of my life but f*** that, I love wrestling. And one of my favorite parts of wrestling is the entrance music. There are few visuals in wrestling more iconic than Hulk Hogan coming down to the ring to "Real American" (though his recent racist rants have resulted in him being scrubbed from the history of the WWE; they invoked the Chris Benoit option on him) or Shawn Michael's sashaying down the entrance ramp in assless leather chaps (above his tights) while "Sexy Boy" blared at Wrestlemania XII. And, now that we're in Presidential Election season (also known as "Time for Don to up his anti-anxiety medicine central"), I thought about what the perfect entrance songs for this year's Republican slate would be. They're all cartoon caricatures of actual human beings so they're basically pro-wrestlers already.
Let's get ready to rumble!
(You can find all of the songs as a Spotify playlist below.)
Donald Trump - Real Estate Tycoon/Celebrity: "No Chance In Hell" by Peter Bursuker
These are roughly Donald Trump's chances of beating Hillary Clinton (or Bernie Sanders in the bizarro universe where American Democrats elect an unashamed socialist; a boy can dream!) in the general election. Also, I had to use one actual wrestling entrance song here.
Jeb Bush - Former Governor of Florida: "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" by R.E.M.
This is what will happen if we have a third Bush President.
Scott Walker - Governor of Wisconsin: "Fiscal Cliff" by Kevin Devine and the God Damn Band
Scott Walker is a disciple of Reaganomics personified and between his union busting and destroying of public services, his election would lead to one Fiscal Cliff staredown after another.
Mike Huckabee - Former Governor of Arkansas: "American Jesus" by Bad Religion
Because Mike Huckabee has made it clear time and time again that he would be just fine turning America into a Christian theocracy.
Ben Carson - Neurosurgeon: "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke feat. Pharrell & T.I.
Ignoring the delicious irony that Carson is a doctor, his regressive politics in regards to women makes Robin Thicke's ode to date rape a perfect fit.
Ted Cruz - Senator From Texas: "Lovefool" by the Cardigans
Ted Cruz really just wants you to like him (if those desperate Buzzfeed Simpsons weren't enough proof), guys. That's all. Love me.
Marco Rubio - Senator From Florida: "Superman's Dead" by Our Lady Peace
Marco Rubio was being positioned years ago as the Superman that would save the Republican party. Now he's losing (badly) to a guy in a shitty toupee who once fought Vince McMahon at Wrestlemania. The Republican party is in great shape!
Rand Paul - Senator From Kentucky: "Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead" by XTC
I'm giggling audibly as I write this. Rand Paul was also supposed to represent the "New" wing of the Republican party but now he's a punch line. It gives me so much joy.
Chris Christie - Governor of New Jersey: "Death to My Hometown" by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
Chris Christie is a vocal fan of New Jersey's most beloved native son, but he's killing the state that gave birth to The Boss.
John Kasich - Governor of Ohio: "How to Disappear Completely" by Radiohead
John Kasich was the only remotely sane person on stage during the Fox Republican debate so, of course, this is what's going to happen to his presidential aspirations.
But, no matter which of these loony tunes winds up getting the nomination (my money is on Jeb Bush or Scott Walker), Hillary or Bernie will be waiting to "Ether" them in the first debate.