• WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31, 2016

    • Posted by: Robert Steiner

    Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, what would we do without our dear celebrities? Just when you think you're flat broke and you've screwed up your life in every way possible, there are those martyr-like, star-studded saviors who invade the headlines and say, "Hey, don't worry bro. I have a crap ton of money and I've screwed up my life in every way possible!" Life and the pursuit of happiness is all about perspective, and as long as you're beating someone out there in the game of life, it's still a game worth playing. Of course, celebrities have more money and legal protections than you'll likely ever see in your lifetime, and they'll probably always get charged for their crimes with the legal equivalent of the time-out chair...but who cares about details???? #GROSS. On with the mockery!!!

    Chris Brown ARRESTED After Standoff With Police, Hopefully Surprising No One #smh #LeaveChrisAlone #howmanyarrestsisitnow?

    Okay, real talk: Is anyone really surprised by this story? Like did people actually fall for Chris Browns "woe-is-me" apology performance back in 2010? But that said, this story is as fresh and murky as grade-A Mexican black tar heroin, and that's the shit we gossip columnists live for, so let's dive into this puppy.

    Yesterday, the singer/rapper was in a bizarre standoff with LAPD at his home in Tarzana, after it was reported Brown pointed a gun at a houseguest, who was revealed to be ex-beauty pageant winner Baylee Curran. Curran, who was awfully quick to jump on the fame train with this story, exclusively told E! News that she was admiring a display of jewelry in Brown's kitchen, when all of a sudden, Brown pulled a gun on her and said, "Get the fuck out." Brown and his crew then tried to make Curran sign a nondisclosure agreement, but like most people with a gun pointed at them, she booked it and called the police, who were greeted to Brown refusing to let them in the house without a search warrant. As police waited for the warrant, more officers and helicopters surrounded Brown's mansion, which prompted the performer to post a series of bizarre Instagram videos (since deleted) proclaiming his innocence. In the videos, Brown angrily discussed his wrongful portrayal as the villain, his talents as a performer and a father, and his anger towards the false accusations by the police and media, along with memorable quotes like, "There's always something. What's next, I'm going to fart an elephant?" All of this would've been somewhat convincing if he was, ya know, anyone else other than Chris Brown. Also, that "fuck the police" comment maaaaaybe didn't help Brown's case, either. Even poor Ray-J got caught in this shit storm, as the rapper had his car impounded as he tried to leave Brown's house, and he had to take an Uber home.

    Think this story couldn't get any messier? Well, my dear reader, ya ain't seen nothing yet: At some point during the standoff, Brown allegedly threw a duffle bag filled with drugs and weapons out the window of his house for...reasons? Honestly it's unclear if he was giving the police what they wanted, or was just getting the contraband out of the house so he could play dumb about the evil bag that just showed up on his lawn. Nonetheless, the duffle bag is all the cops needed, as they charged and arrested Brown for felony assault with a deadly weapon. Brown was eventually released on $250,000 bail, but this story doesn't seem to be ending there, folks. According to TMZ, Brown was allegedly tested for drugs at the time of his arrest, which could open up a whole nother round of charges along with the assault charge. Not only that, but its been reported by the NY Daily News that Curran was involved in a theft case at New York's Plaza Hotel, which suddenly makes her "I was only looking at the jewelry" claim a lot less reassuring. Who's the liar in this situation? Who is truly the villainous pile of human trash in this A-List ordeal? The answer to those questions is probably "everyone involved," but we will keep you updated with the deets as they happen!!!

    Tyga Gets Expensive Car REPOED While Shopping For Expensive Car!!! #whaaa #TygaandKylie4eva #gottagetdatCA$H #seriouslyIneedmoney

    Money doesnt buy you happiness, but I'm sure Tyga wouldn't mind some extra cash right now. It's being reported that the rapper and his gf, Kylie "Kim-K-But-Less-Legal" Jenner, were shopping for a new car at a Bentley dealership when Tyga's current wheels, a Ferrari, was repossessed by the car's lessor. It seems that while shopping for a new car, Tyga wasn't even done paying for his old car, as the repo men drove off with a spare key after the rapper allegedly missed a couple payments. This story comes fresh off the heels of the apparent $180,000 the rapper was forced to pay a landlord after failing to pay rent and causing damages to the property, and that story follows another eviction case Tyga and his legal team settled a few weeks back, which forced the rapper to cough up a whopping $480,000 in damages. Neither Tyga nor Jenner's teams have commented on the repo situation, but it has been reported that a friend picked up the couple after the incident. If there's anything to take away from this story, it's that Tyga probably won't be screaming, "Money ain't a thang" as he switches lanes any time soon...once he has a car to switch lanes in.

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