Ah, Katy Perry
's new album, Witness
. It just doesn't seem to go away! I have a fun little anecdote for you. My dad is an avid listener of pop music. In addition to The Rolling Stones and Pink Floyd, he also listens to Adele (his current favorite), P!nk, and yep, even The Ting Tings. (Was "That's Not My Name"
anyone else's favorite song? No? Okay.) Anyway, that being said, my father was pretty excited when his friend "gifted" - if you can call it that - him with a physical copy of Katy Perry's newest album Witness
. He hadn't heard it yet but figured it just had
to be good because it's the same artist responsible for Teenage Dream!
The same lady who laid butt naked in a cloud of cotton candy and sprayed whipped cream out of her candied ta-tas. It's (I can't believe I'm about to say this) every father's dream. So, on our trip later that day, he excitedly got in the car, CD in hand, and put it on as we drove. One song in and he says, "this really isn't very good," takes the CD, and chucks it out the window. You can't make this stuff up.
I'm pretty sure that the day Witness
came out, a lot more people wish they had physical copies just so they could have the satisfaction of throwing it out their car windows. It really is that
bad. And you know what the most frustrating part is? It could have been saved. Musically, it's a pretty catchy album with some banging beats but unfortunately, the greatest beat in the world couldn't save Katy Perry's lazy lyrics. If only she made the effort to write something of substance, things could have been different, but unfortunately I cannot sit through 3 minutes and 50 seconds of someone patting themselves on the back for writing an email to their ex and then having the "courage" to save it as a draft. Literally. Listening to this cringe-worthy album made me feel more like a victim rather than a witness.
The lyrics are the worst part of the album -- anyone would agree with that. While I was listening, my brain couldn't help but pick out the worst lyrics, so I thought this would be a fun list to make. Let's go through Katy Perry's new album Witness
and pick out the worst lines that make us want to crawl up in a shell and never come back.
1. "A big beautiful brain with a pretty face, yeah
A babydoll with a briefcase, yeah
A hot little hurricane, ha!
'Cause I'm feminine and soft, but I'm still a boss, yeah
Red lipstick, but still so raw, yeah
Marilyn Monroe in a monster truck."
- "Hey Hey Hey"
I find all of these analogies to be more offensive than "woke," AKA what Katy is trying to be now. She's "feminine and soft" but "still so raw"? The sound of that honestly grosses me out a little bit, and she is trying way too hard to be politically relevant.
2. "Texting me a little bubble of trouble
I've tried to ignore these thoughts that rumble."
This song is pretty much your classic "let's break the rules" pop song. It's not that bad. But this lyric... This dude is texting you a bubble of trouble? And then your thoughts rumble? Lazy writing 101.
3. "Swish, swish, bish."
- "Swish Swish"
This is the one song my dad likes, and I mean, I get it. This would be a hit in the club… If you just took out all of the vocals. Again, lazy writing. An underwhelming diss track that could have been done by anyone, which is a shame, because if it had more specific, less petty lyrics, I'd totally take Katy's side in this feud.
4. "Your words are like Chinese water torture."
- "Deja Vu"
As Sufjan Stevens once put it
, LORD JESUS HAVE MERCY. Katy, the guy might be a dick, but this metaphor seems a bit dramatic. "Chinese water torture" doesn't even roll off the tongue that well, so why would you try to fit it into a song?
5. "I am my mother's daughter
And there are so many things I love about her
But I have, I have to break the cycle
So I can sit first at the dinner table."
What about the dinner table? Also, these lyrics sound like recycled scraps that didn't make it into "Roar."
6. "I'm losing all direction
Slipping into quicksand
I've shattered the illusion seen behind the curtain
Dancing on a wire
Every hit gets harder when you're fighting without armor
- "Mind Maze"
The corny vocal effects combined with these lyrics that sound like they were written by a mom are the perfect recipe for ultimate cringe.
7. "Saw a balloon floating away
I thought did someone let go or did they lose it?"
- "Miss You More"
This is cheesy and awkward and sticks out like a sore thumb.
8. "Anchor in me, and get lost at sea
The world's your oyster and I am the pearl
Sink into me slowly."
"So baby, come and take a swim with me
Make me ripple 'til I'm wavy
Don't be scared to dive in deep
And start a tsunami."
It sucks that Katy took this whole Tsunami theme seriously with all of the super literal imagery (and simultaneously vague cliches), because I vibe hard with the music. It's got a bit of an 80s feel and it's super dark -- sounds like something I'd hear on the Drive
soundtrack. Unfortunately though, I won't be coming back to this one because the lyrics are just too surface level.
9. "'Cause I'm all that you want, boy
All that you can have, boy
Got me spread like a buffet
Bon a, bon appétit, baby
Appetite for seduction
Fresh out the oven
Melt in your mouth kind of lovin'
Bon a, bon appétit, baby
Looks like you've been starving
You've got those hungry eyes
You could use some sugar
'Cause your levels ain't right
I'm a five-star Michelin
A Kobe flown in
You want what I'm cooking, boy
Let me take you
Under candle light
We can wine and dine
A table for two
And it's okay
If you take your time
Eat with your hands, fine
I'm on the menu."
- "Bon Appetit"
Just... Just all of it.
10. "I don't fuck with change, but lately I've been flipping coins a lot."
- "Save As Draft"
11. "I struggle
I could just throw a line to you
But I should let sleeping dogs lie 'cause I know better, baby
I write it
But what good will it do
To reopen the wound
So I take a deep breath
And I save as draft."
- "Save As Draft"
Also from "Save As Draft," I am still cringing. When Lorde dramatized writing songs in "Writer In The Dark" it worked, but dramatizing an email? Does anyone even email each other anymore?
12. "Into me, you'll see
You bend me wide open, now I'm ready
Is this intimacy?"
- "Into Me You See"
First Katy starts singing "into me, you see," but then it slowly evolves into "intimacy." #Corny.