There are two types of people in the world. Those who are accomplished social media stalkers, and those who lie about it. Whether it's your celebrity crush, an ex, or that person you and your friends love to hate, you are never more than an Instagram search or a Snap story away from the creepy, virtual equivalent of looking through someone's window with a pair of binoculars. If you brag that all you need is a first name and an obscure fact to find someone's profile, if you know what your favorite artist had for breakfast this morning, if, when you go out, you find yourself not only watching people from across the room, but planning your entire future together including baby names… this playlist of creepy, obsessive, stalker songs is for you.
1. "Don't You Want Me" by The Human League
This song has such a great beat and singable chorus that the strong stalker theme can easily be forgotten. Here's what it boils down to: Some dude meets a pretty waitress. He is enamored, but she's not really feelin' it. Former Waitress becomes a star and rejects Creepy Dude. Creepy Dude is simply not having it. "Don't you want me baby?" No. No she does not.
Line that needs a restraining order: "It's much too late to find/ You think you've changed your mind/ You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry."
2. "Creepy Girl" by Daddy Issues
This song describes me a little too well, right down to Daddy Issues' lead singer Jenna Moynihan's shoutout to her cats for remaining judgement free. Moynihan owns her stalker status throughout this song, which is directed at her crush. She may be a creepy girl, but at least she's honest.
Line that needs a restraining order: "I know that we don't exist/ And your girlfriend is pissed/ But I have all your band's shit/ You should call the cops/ You should call the cops/ You should call the cops/ ‘Cause I'm a creepy girl/ I don't know what I'll do/ If I'm in love with you."
3. "Animals" by Maroon 5
I think this song was supposed to be sexy, but it just makes me look over my shoulder and walk faster. The chorus is just one cringe after another. Seriously, even if it was acceptable to sing about preying on a woman, did Maroon 5 really think anyone would be flattered by "I can smell your scent for miles"? That line would have me self-consciously sniffing my underarms while running to the nearest ~payphone~ to call 911.
Line that needs a restraining order: "Baby I'm preying on you tonight/ Hunt you down, eat you alive/ Just like animals/ Baby you think that you can hide/ I can smell your scent for miles/ Just like animals."
4. "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga
If the person you're stalking is famous, you're still a stalker. But I can't deny that my love of this song is as obsessive as the creepy fan perspective Lady Gaga adopts on this hit from The Fame Monster.
Line that needs a restraining order: "I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me/ Papa-paparazzi."
5. "Life Itself" by Glass Animals
"Life Itself" isn't so much about the act of creeping as it is about a creepy individual. Specifically someone who listens to static on his car radio and lurks outside of grocery stores. And what exactly is he doing in the basement???
Line that needs a restraining order: "I make my own fun in grandmama's basement/ She said I look mad/ She said I look wasted."
6. "Every Breath You Take" by The Police
Do they still play this song at weddings? Did they ever play this song at weddings? Anyway, The Police are NOT singing a sweet song about pining for a lost love. They are making the skeevy promises of a stalker.
Line that needs a restraining order: "Every breath you take/ Every move you make/ Every bond you break/ Every step you take/ I'll be watching you."
7. "I Wear Glasses" by Mating Ritual
This song is so creepy that it comes with its own warning to the poor soul who is being admired from "way across the room" saying, "I would leave if I were you". But wait! It gets worse. So much worse as the second verse opens with "Here's your drink/ Come and dance now". I want to scream "Don't drink it!" every time I hear this stalker song disguised as innocent admiration.
Line that needs a restraining order: "I wear glasses so that I can see you better/ I put shoes on so that we can walk together/ Late at night when all I see are spinning faces/ I wear glasses so that I can see you better."
8. Snoop Dogg's verse in "I Wanna Fuck You" by Akon
The chorus of this song makes the title sentiment seem mutual, so you start grooving with the late-night club beat of this Akon throwback. Next thing you know, Snoop is coming at you with the most conspicuously creepy lyric in pop music. The rest of the song becomes your exit music from the dance floor, the club, and maybe your current zip code.
Line that needs a restraining order: "I'm sittin' in the back in the smokers' section/ Bird's eye, I got a clear view/ You can't see me, but I can see you (baby I see you)."
9. "You're Sixteen You're Beautiful (And You're Mine)" by Ringo Starr
No, Ringo. Just no.
Line that needs a restraining order: "You're all ribbons and curls/ Ooh what a girl/ Eyes that sparkle and shine/ You're sixteen, you're beautiful, and you're mine."
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