I don't care what none of y'all say -- my favorite part of the Olympics is the gymnastics (and I promise it has nothing to do with the whole girls-in-leotards thing). It's just unbelievable seeing these people flying through the air, doing double back flips and McTwists -- basically doing everything I pretended to do as a kid whenever I was on a trampoline. And in my opinion, the best display of these insane talents is during the floor exercises. Full sprints into like six flip combinations, this is thrilling stuff. There's one problem though -- the music. These girls are usually flopping around to classical music or what seems like the theme song to Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception
. It just won't do. If it was us, we'd be doing our floor exercise to one of these 2012 tracks* (listed from most reasonable to it-would-never-happen).
A constant but danceable beat coarses through this Grimes track. Upbeat without being overkill, "Oblivion" -- the song and its video -- is charming and infectious, just like our performance would be.
Niki & the Dove, "DJ Ease My Mind"
This thing is made for floor exercises. We can picture it now: start slow, throw in some jumps and hops, then boom -- full-on sprint, sideways salto into double backflip just as the song reaches its apex. Gold medal, for sure.
Passion Pit, "I'll Be Alright"
Since this is for pretend, we're also going to pretend that we have serious endurance because for "I'll Be Alright," we're gonna need it -- it's gonna be 70 straight very acrobatic seconds. We think this song works perfectly, because just listening to it feels like you're doing constant flips and somersaults. And the costume choice is all laid out for us -- shimmering gold everything.
Hot Chip, "Flutes"
This one actually doesn't have to break the lyrics rule. It definitely has enough rhythm, as well as a dark vibe that would translate interestingly on the spring floor. And just imagine how many arm gestures you could work in to fit the opening loop.
Jack White, "Sixteen Saltines"
For the badass on the team. "Sixteen Saltines" is another incessently uptempo song, but this one's got a little more bite to it. Pull off the flips to fit White's awesome breakdowns and you'll scare the Russian judge into giving you a ten.
El-P, "The Full Retard"
Okay, even if lyrics were allowed in floor exercise music we're assuming people would be pretty upset about this song choice, but the Olympics has always been about sticking it to the man (see here
). This song's viciousness and anger would be astounding and almost fitting in a routine. At the very least, it'd re-emphasize that USA has the hardest olympians around, while also welcoming China's squad to adolescence
*Because the Olympic Committee hates fun, songs with vocals aren't actually permitted. But who said we were going to follow the rules?