Lately we've been harping on emo kids, partially due to interns and their love of pop punk/headbands/guys who think "Vans Warped Tour" is "making it". But lo! We're being patently unfair by picking on the most visibly handicapped of music lovers, especially when there are easily four more that are far worse, or perhaps just difficult to understand (I'm looking at YOU, Juggalo).
Today we will talk about each of the top five stereotypes and what makes them ridiculous. Remember, these are stereotypes &mdash outrageously simplified and often erroneous &mdash and do not apply to everyone. Please have a sense of humor. Don't go all CopperCab on me.
To make it easy to skim, I will assign one word to each.
5. The Emo Kid
ONE WORD: Pathetic.
While one of the more obvious stereotypes, there isn't much to the sweatband/ear piercings other than being from Long Island or New Jersey, or having a propensity for pop punk and sappy lyrics. Most of these issues wear off with age, as the Emo Kid is just that: a child. The grandfathers of Emo, Patrick Stump and Chris Carraba, are very old, yes, but the children who used to worship them mostly have day jobs, and the boys probably don't wear eyeliner anymore, and the girls probably don't threaten suicide and cry at the sight of familiar sandwiches. Really this one is old hat.
4. The Country Music Lover
ONE WORD: Dumb.
The Country Music Lover or CML is often portrayed as a visceral fan, passionate and unwavering. This is a good thing. Unfortunately, that passion is portrayed as stemming from a severe lack of IQ, attachement to the "dirty" south of the USA, and overalls/chewing wheat/hunting. Country music is, by definition, of the country, and the country is full of pseudo-morons. While I know many incredibly intelligent country music fans, I also know at least one who inadvertently shot his cousin's fiance with a shotgun. While on the couch. Write a song about THAT, Sugarland!
3. The Juggalo
ONE WORD: Weirdo.
OK the internet has embraced this gratuitously painted subset of music fans, but only for satirical purposes. They are literally fans of ONE BAND, no fake, that is hilarious. Most diversify, embracing a genre, but these gelatinous, midwest children embrace clown makeup and miracles.
Hahaha. And also, huh?
2. The 'Gangster'
ONE WORD: Criminal.
Baggy pants below the bum. Chains. Walking the streets. So hard. Extreme dropping of the proper pronunciation of words, especially "sure" and everything with the letter "G" at the end. You know the gangster or "gangsta" as a gang-banging, drug consuming, victim of society. Check the tags on their fresh kicks, because Dad may have stolen them recently! Just kidding, Dad is in JAIL for "jaywalking" (and we don't mean crossing the street. Use your imagination). Hard rap fans are often stereotyped as straight up bad; murderers and drug dealers, living in the hood, street smart but at a loss for a high school diploma, or anything but a job at McDonalds. And the funny part of this is that while none of these qualities are particularly desirable, seeming "hood" is important to fitting in the culture for credibility and sincerity, kind of like heritage is in a Connecticut country club or Ivy League legacy school. As soon as Dad gets that paycheck, you are no longer hood. Went to a private school? DAMN it makes for good rapsulting! See 8 Mile for further reference.
BUT, the worst of all music lovers are the DARTH VADARs of the galaxy... and they probably have a t-shirt for that analogy.
1. The Hipster
TWO WORDS: Pretentious f*ck.
Yeah the Hipster gets two words, because they need it, and because they are certified organic and free range, amirite Pabst Blue Ribbon? They have a look, a lifestyle, it engulfs, it leeches off trust funds in Brooklyn, and it does NOT like your music, sir. Ke$ha is not fit to lick the shiny suits of The National (fair), and God (Jeff Mangum) forbid ANYONE tries to blight the good name of MIA. She's a crusader for politics! The iPhone said so! Animal Collective music is a hipster wet dream, because it doesn't make sense, and it scares most of your parents. Sound familiar? That's right folks, the dark secret of the hipster is that they are the adult version of a snotty, thirteen year-old emo kid. The end.