1. Katy Perry and Chris Martin snuggle up at Glastonbury.
When I first learned that Katy Perry
and Chris Martin
might be a thing, my first reaction was WTF… But then after I calmed down, I realized it makes total sense. I mean, just look at the way they both dress:
Chris, I wore those same exact shoes when I was going through an awkward emo phase in middle school and wanted to skateboard but couldn't because I was too chubby and nervous. They both look like grown adults trying to be 2nd grade drama teachers with bad taste. So yeah, I get it. Apparently the two were caught cuddling up at Glastonbury -- and to make it even juicier
-- it's rumored that Chris was smoochin' pop singer Dua Lipa
just one day before. Looks like the dude's still got it! You'd think that Chainsmokers collab would scare the women away, but apparently not. Hey, Chris has "Something Just Like This" and Katy has Witness
, whatever that is. The two must be soulmates.
Katy, just get John Mayer back. We all know it's going to happen. He was rated first on your list of lovers
2. Drake must be crying right now because Serena and RiRi are TAKEN.
So speaking of lovers, Drake
must be weeping right now, because his ex-lovers are onto new people. Serena Williams has officially debuted her *very* preggo belly on Vanity Fair, and inside she talked all about how she can't believe that she's pregnant and that she love-love-LOVES
Alexis Ohanian (Alexis is a girl's name….right?). She told the mag, "[It] just doesn't seem real. I don't know why. Am I having a baby? If you would have told me last year in October or November that I would have a baby, not be pregnant but have a baby, I would have thought you were the biggest liar in the world. This is kind of how I am right now. This is happening sooner than later, and it's going by so fast." If you don't have an extravagant photoshoot right before you pop, are you even pregnant?
In addition to that, RiRi
caught making out with some rando in a hot tub. Hot tub or not though, it looked pretty steamy. Although the dude she's macking on is currently unknown, I'm sure he's like, super hot. I wonder if this is just a fling or if RiRi's got some serious "Love On The Brain"?! You can see all of the (kinda gross) photos courtesy of TMZ here
So, sorry Drake. Maybe see if Nicki Minaj is single?
3. Taylor Swift comes out of hiding!!!!
. It's been months since TayTay
has posted on social media. We haven't even gotten any good paparazzi photos, just really blurry ones of her getting into a plane with her top secret lover Joe Alwyn. Oh, and that one lame attempt to piss off Katy Perry during her album release by releasing her entire catalogue everywhere. But now she finally has something to say. Well, sort of. She didn't post during the election or during anything important, but apparently all it took to get her in front of a camera was Russell Westbrook being named NBA's 2016-17 MVP. How random.
She posted a video of herself fresh out of hibernation congratulating the football player, or tennis player… Soccer player? I don't know what he does. I don't know anything about sports. I'm a music journalist, okay? I specialize in Iggy Azalea's latest beef and what Beck is wearing on the red carpet, not which athlete is scoring more points than the other. I think the closest I've ever gotten to caring about anything that involves a lot of physical activity is when Serena Williams announced her pregnancy because shit, that's Drake's ex and I gotta make sure my man is okay. So just let me be a poser and scream "I love sports!"
so we can get on with it. Anyway, she was congratulating the athlete by telling a fake story about how she taught him how to play basketball while he inspired her hit single "Shake It Off." So cute. The two should totally collab.
Apparently Westbrook is a big fan of Taylor, too, because then he posted a killer video of him jamming to "Bad Blood" in a car.
Taylor is out of the cave and continuing her excellent marketing strategies by broadening her demographic and making new fans because she's just so nice and funny and relatable! Good work on making a couple extra bucks before returning to your nap, Taylor.