Let's Hope We Never See These Musicals
    • THURSDAY, JUNE 27, 2013

    • Posted by: David Spelman

    With Green Day's American Idiot being adapted to the stage in 2010 and the recent announcement that Tupac Shakur's songs will be featured in an upcoming musical, it seems as if anything is fair game these days. While we know the perfect guy for a Tupac musical, here are some bands that should never receive the Broadway treatment.

    1. From the men who brought you Temple of the Dog...The Musical! and Layne, comes About A Boy: The Story of Kurt Cobain



    While Baz Luhrmann has already bastardized "Smells Like Teen Spirit" in Moulin Rouge!, I like to imagine this musical opening on a rainy day in Seattle with a single spotlight on our hero. It would go through his relationship with Tobi Vail ("Aneurysm" plays as vomit-colored confetti flies into the audience during the "love you so much it makes me sick" part), to his success with Nevermind (picture "On a Plain" playing with choreographed background dancers in flannel and ripped jeans). Starring Courtney Love as the villain (the "married, buried" part of "All Apologies" coming on every time she takes the stage), About A Boy would end with the house lights turning off as a lone, lingering shotgun blast is heard.

    I guess this is why Courtney Love said there will never be a Cobain musical, as "sometimes it's best just to leave things alone."

    2. Helvete: Norwegian Black Metal



    We follow Mayhem guitarist Euronymous, beginning with the tragic suicide of fellow bandmate Dead. Clearly shaken up, the corpsepaint-covered Euronymous makes necklaces from Dead's skull and with help from Carl Weathers, takes a little bit of Dead's skull, throws it in a pot, adds some broth and baby, hes got a stew going. Next we see a Sharks vs. Jets-style brawl between the West Side Norwegian Black Metal guys and the East Side crew of Swedish Death Metal-ers, but instead of playfully throwing paint and garbage at each other, it's black blood and human flesh. If only South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut had existed back then to show these guys what music in Hell is really like...

    3. Blue Eyes and Plenty of Soul



    We find ourselves in Philadelphia, where Daryl Hall and John Oates first meet and begin popularizing a genre that would only continue to grow. We move from our first number "Rich Girl" (visualize dancers with mullets and sweet 'staches), to meeting their disciples, the Three Michaels: McDonald, Bolton, and George. From the ups (McDonald's time with The Doobie Brothers) to the downs (Bolton's rendition of "When a Man Loves a Woman" (sorry, the Bobs)), this is one musical that has it all. With Blue Eyes and Lots of Soul conveniently leaving out George Michael's cottaging and concluding with an uplifting, collaborative version of "Freedom! '90", the audience will be sure to leave the theatre smiling.

    4. Searching for a Bentley Truck: A 2 Chainz Musical



    From his origins as Tity Boi in rap duo Playaz Duo (Preparing Legal Assets for Years from A-Z, of course) to his recent emergence as a must-have on any radio-hit, it seems as if Tauheed Epps has it all. Everything, that is, except a Bentley truck. Featuring original songs from previous lyrics that were crafted specifically for the stage, the show follows his grueling pursuit with pals Young Jeezy and Wale. From his exploits in online shopping ("Going online like, 'When they gonna make that Bentley truck??'") to the desperate pleas of a late-night prayer ("Last night I prayed that God would make a Bentley truck"), this musical is rife with tension. Will his quest for the holy automobile come to fruition? See Searching for a Bentley Truck to find out!
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