Pictured above: Three terrifying emochildren, and their dad.
The moral of the story is always thinking in terms of staying power. Leather jackets are cool now, were cool then, and probably will always be cool. You can wear a leather jacket. It's normal. Parachute pants, shoes with fish in them, and other anachronistic things (like powdered wigs, and/or wearing high fastening pants) are probably more fad than norm, and should be taken lightly, or as modern parody. Now, crying about the love poem you wrote in blood to your thirteen year old girlfriend, while dressed like a girl yourself, with your hair dyed blue and cut to look like an extra from a Dashboard Confessional video, may seem cool now that MOM doesn't like it. But trust me, when you grow up, you will realize that "Emo" was just another Pokemon in the ever churning wheel of human child stupidity. But probably not until Long Island and New Jersey burn to the ground (sorry Long Island and New Jersey).
Today we will explore the ten year run of "Emo" music in the form of disturbing, sometimes cheaply made music videos that someone somewhere thought were cool. If you intend to actually watch these videos, I cannot emphasize the importance of either A) being all emo or B)Having your will drawn up and a life insurance policy that covers SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. These videos make this show look like this movie (in the worst way).
Now, without further delay, I present (with the help of Hanna K):
THE TOP FIVE MOST EMONASTY MUSIC VIDEOS
#5: Set It Off "Pages and Paragraphs"
Set It Off are here to spit some cliches about nice guys while reminding all us COOL KIDS the importance of lip rings and head bands. GOOD CHARLOTTE GRIEF! You'd think they could get more than ten people for the "crowd" scenes, but I guess that's SHOWBIZ. This video is probably not brought to you by Starbucks.
#4: The Overunder "That Necktie Makes You Look Ridiculous
The idea that any of these guys, with their earrings, would have real jobs, in an office with anything sharp OR acting in a music video, is the ridiculous part (also the neckties). Blunder Mifflin this is Pam, the bassist's girlfriend LOL. Oh he is the boss because he has a cigar and a pimp hat! Where is my "You're Beautiful" emocake? (patent pending).
#3: Lights Resolve "Another Five Days"
Huh? This needed a director? Nothing says "metaphor" like the woods, white jump suits, slow motion, still shots of plants, and emo haircuts. "More out of focus wipes, seriously, because ART"
I won't ruin the ending for you, but something kind of dramatic happens for no reason, and then I cry myself to sleep for six weeks.
#2: BrokenCYDE "Freaxxx"
Emotune those BEATZ. Pimp my dad's generic luxury knockoff! Screaming!
The pig gets me every time.
#1: "She's A Good Girl"
This one takes the emocake, you guys. It's got everything: weird nonsensical plots, terrible leg stomping, bleached teardrop haircuts, low gauge earrings, high school, lyrics written by a monkey with a speech impediment, a "smoking hot" girl who goes for nerds eventually, and guys who get picked on for tucking in their shirts. But if you don't believe me, check the YouTube comments!
"i liked seeing them in Hot Topic in CherryHill =D they're soo? awesome!!! I listen to em every day =D" - a real person
Congratulations, Chris Carraba. YOU DID THIS. -joe puglisi