Hall Of Shame: Jay Z's Totally Terrific Tidal Tweets
    • MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2015

    • Posted by: Jason Greenspan

    Well, everyone, Tidal is doing "just fine." We can all say goodbye to the sleepless nights and random bouts of illness that have been plaguing us from worrying about Jay Z's rebranded streaming service and its shaky beginnings. I'm personally looking forward to seeing my family again -- I've been holed up in my basement for three weeks pissing and shitting into empty Campbell's chicken noodle cans out of anxiety. The neighbors have been complaining about the smell, and my Mom has started worrying.

    When word of this development reached my ears, however, and I emerged from my cave of filth to check Twitter for myself, I was disappointed in what I saw. There was a lack of conviction and a sniveling, beggar's quality to Jay's choice of words in his rambling "stream of consciousness." "Please give us a chance to grow & get better" doesn't play well following the absurdly grandiose, oligarchical hubris exhibited in those cryptic initial teaser ads. And everyone knows that when you're about to unleash a stream of consciousness, you never preface it with an announcement of said stream of consciousness. That's just stream of consciousness 101, I'm not breaking any new ground here.

    The obvious aspects of this inane appeal to the people that one might take a crack at are the misleading statistic of the 770,000 subscriptions in a month (over 500,000 came from the previous iteration of the service called 'WiMP') and the expectedly vague 'deletion of the middlemen' comment, but that's boring and has been done before. I'd rather examine Jay's more ludicrous comments like, "The iTunes store wasn't built in a day." You know he would've rather said "Rome wasn't built in a day," because that's what he really thinks this Tidal nonsense is equivalent to: the goddamn Roman Empire. But I think he's on to something here nonetheless. We as a society should abandon that archaic version of this saying and adopt Hova's Apple-friendly version instead. It could be like a totally cool 'millenial' take on a classic colloquialism....or not.

    Jay also reminds us of Tidal's additional content:

    He sounds like that co-worker that asks you to do some annoying shit for them and offers mediocre repayment. "Duuuude can you cover my shift on Sat.?! I'll give you a dollar, and a cookie!"

    I will, however, admit that this is pretty 'ride or die'....

    The Tidal website banner should read, "Other streaming services find new talent through a Google search and a phone call, Tidal sends Jay Z's cousin to live in Nigeria."

    Any way you slice it, this guerrilla marketing is ineffective and counterproductive. You can't tout a game changing super-empire and then suddenly attempt to appeal to the plebeians; it seems disingenuous. Sure, Hova thought that showing a little vulnerability would stifle the intense flow of Hatorade surrounding Tidal, but all he really did was strengthen the stream.

    If you haven't already seen them, check out more of the Tidal tweets and revisit the ridiculous teaser video below.

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