Smash picks up this week by explaining to us exactly who this Rebecca Duvall character is through characters discussing her star-power. How big of a star is she? How many movies? When did she pick up her first Hatori Hanzo sword? How old is she? How annoyed can I be at Tom in the first five seconds? SEE ABOVE PICTURE. I'm going to star in my own movie called Kill Tom where I globe-trot around the world fighting Broadway enthusiasts, avenging the death of my Monday nights (this Spring on NBC) only to perform the five finger open fifth exploding dance break technique on Tom's stupid face. "Now THAT'S an authentic cadence, bitch" - my catchphrase. Julia takes the initiative to make a date for Tom and Sam, and that is one date I will be avoiding at all costs, and I'm hoping I can also plant a time-bomb that blows up as soon as you half-heartedly exclaim anything sports related. "It's my Mets-- BOOM."
Enter Rebecca Duvall, who doesn't need to warm up her "vocals" and launches right into an awful rendition of "Let Me Be Your Star," which even the uninitiated can agree is as pitchy as a day at CitiField, right Sam? "My Mets are being really pitchy in the ninth-- BOOM." The dream-team assembles in Eileen's office to collectively WTF her, and she suggests they find a constructive solution to Rebecca's lack of vocal talent. Julia says "group suicide?" Aside: she's growing on me. Derek suggests they turn some shadow characters into full-fledged parts with songs, giving Karen (and Ivy, thrown back into the mix) a chance to sing instead of Rebecca Du-not-belt. Tom and Julia are mad because the shadows are just supposed to be whispers in Marilyn's head, not songs. The audience is mad because now we have to deal with Ivy again. I'm mad because no one has gotten into any sword fights yet.
SAM: "Hello beautiful, where you been all my life?"
IVY: "Aw, thank you."
That's not a response. I hate you all so much.
Not gonna lie, I really want to phone it in this week, f*ck it, I'm going to Coachella in two days. But I'll try and keep going 4 THA KIDZ. Head down, power through.
Karen and Ivy begin to bond over their mutual hope for Rebecca's destruction, just how I imagine all girl friendships begin, by hating the same other girls. Derek continues to fantasize Karen as Marilyn, which I guess really squashes the suspense of who is going to be Marilyn in the end, so I'll just skip this stupid musical interlude (which has a reggae flair for some reason).
Dev and Karen have an exchange that, in about sixty seconds, explains why our generation can't sustain normal relationships. "I have to run" You must be emotionally distant. Didn't say "I love you" back one time? THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.
Speaking of relationships being over, Julia gets some face to face time with her (now ex?) husband about their son, but when she tries to bring up tea for one second, he throws it in her face. Leo is failing some school, so the unhappy couple have to meet with the school's guidance counselor to explain what's going on at home. It's a perfect conduit for Julia to vent her frustrations about her lack of ability to make things right (due to Frank's stone-cold treatment), and she's right-- she really hasn't had much of a chance to fix things. Good thing this high school guidance counselor is willing to listen and mediate two parents with marital problems, amirite? 4 THA KIDZ.
Rebecca is trying to rewrite the Marilyn musical to not be a musical and more "deep" when she drops the "boring" bomb on Tom's tunes. Flash to Tom crying "Boring!" in the middle of Times Square during Tom and Sam's date. Appropriate. They go to his apartment to get drunk and canoodle, which is perfect because I have to take a piss and I couldn't care less about this scene. Sam is also religious, so nothing happens (boring). So Sam is basically the straw man for every care in the world that the Smash writers don't subscribe to? Religion and sports?
Eileen lets her curiosity get the better of her and goes to check out her dirt folder on Nick. Turns out he's a "crook," which is Broadway for "criminal" for those of you who've never seen a Marx Brothers Movie. If you don't know who "Nick" is, stop reading. You can still be saved from this shipwreck of a show.
Rebecca's Marilyn voice is annoying, and so is Rebecca, who is trying to gain favor with the underlings by inviting them to a screening of her new movie Casual Friday 2, and this is, I shit you not, the only time I have actually laughed during this episode. HAHAHAHAHA. CASUAL FRIDAY 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO. Ellis is trying to nail her assistant to get closer to her, man is there anything/anyone this guy won't do to get ahead? "Give-a-head to get ahead" - The Ellis family crest.
Karen walks in on Dev being a little too Jim and Pam with his NY Times hottie-correspondent, and the not-talking about Dev's job issues starts to blow up a bit. Good. Let's cut this side-plot already. I look forward to looking back on Dev fondly as the useless season one character that disappears completely and is never mentioned again except in emotional breakdowns.
Ivy and Karen hang out at the Casual Friday 2 screening and discuss Dev's absence. Ellis makes a phone snafu and accidentally tells his assistant-date he thinks he's just some loser he is sucking up to. That's what you get when you suck, Ellis. Tom is lamenting about Sam believing in God, which is the eyes of the gays is just as bad as being a Republican, apparently. Ivy and Karen get drunk (again) and play-argue about who is going to be Marilyn when Duvall implodes. Are you still reading? WHY ARE YOU STILL READING? SAVE YOURSELF. THE SHIP IS GOING DOWN.
Rebecca calls for a meeting and comes in swinging to change the show-- lower the keys, change some of the songs, hire a vocal coach (solid probs good idea). I'm sure tomorrow every single recap will be making a pun about how Rebecca Duvall can't sing (EDIT: Call me Nostradamusmash.) The final scene features Rebecca Duvall in the Marilyn getup, in another stage of Marilyn's life and IDEA: what if the three of them (Karen, Ivy, Rebecca) all play Marilyn at different stages in her life? It seems like each of their characters are already set up to be a different facet of Marilyn, right? Oh god, am I making unsolicited semi-serious predictions about the plot of Smash? Is it still stockholm syndrome if you're not actually being held captive? Hold me Tea, I'm scared.
Next week: The home stretch begins, with only two episodes left. WHOSE CUISINE WILL REIGN SUPREME?