If you're reading this, it's not too late. You've seen the headline and foolishly clicked further, but you have yet to witness the deeply upsetting video that lies just below this text. My suggestion is to first click the back button, and then peruse any of the other fun and engaging editorial/video content that Baeble has to offer, because once you see this, you won't be unseeing it any time soon.
If you've already watched, however, you know that during his Coachella performance, Drake
was mouth-raped by aging pop behemoth Madonna
. I didn't have any preconceived notions about what a frencher between these two would look like, but this video still managed to shock and horrify me.
Things started out harmless enough; Drake was sitting down minding his own business in a dark, jungle environment as a dope, TLC-sounding beat bumped hypnotically. Suddenly and without warning, Madge marches over and luridly flips her hair back, planting a particularly aggressive smooch on Drake's supple Canadian kisser. That's all well and good, but Champagne Papi no gusta, recoiling in disgust as his attacker strolled awkwardly away.
Because both stars will definitely be reading this piece, I'm going to speak directly to them now.
I know that was tough for you, but you're reaction was pretty rude my dude. I mean, as far as milfs go, Madonna's pretty hot. And at the end of the day, you get to say that you kissed Madonna, which is cool even if it wasn't all that. What you did was un-gentlemanlike, and I know you've been on the cover of GQ a bunch of times, so clean up your act, man.
You're a sex icon/innovator. If I told you that I didn't dance alone in my den to my mother's vinyl copy of Madonna
, I'd be lying to you. That being said, this type of sexuality doesn't play well for you anymore. I like you as the children's book authoring, wise-oracle of early pop, not the stage-falling
Drake-kissing monster that you've become.
So for this week's hall of shame, I'm going to assign the blame equally to both parties. After all, we live in an enlightened age that recognizes equality between the sexes, and this is a case where male and female both fucked up. While I'm sure that at least the idea of the kiss was dreamt up by the artists' managers, the execution was in performers' hands. And that disgusted reaction paired with Madonna's ridiculous exclamation of her own name immediately after is inexcusably nausea-inducing.
Call me crazy, but I'd rather watch Madge french Britney Spears
any day of the week. Sorry I'm not sorry.