The winter Olympics are fast approaching and you know what that means, right? Oh, you don't? Well that's good, because honestly I don't either, I just thought that would be a snappy intro. Anyways, the games are just around the corner, and while browsing through the list of activities that they offered this year, I was struck by how similar some of these events are to some of the biggest names currently rocking our playlists, so I thought, why not try to pair off some of these artists with events, and see who fits where. Let's take a look.
Bobsleigh - Migos
Bobsleigh is a team sport, and who knows more about working as a team than Migos? Individually they're all solid artists, but when they come together they create something much bigger than the sum of their parts. Plus, if Cool Runnings
is to be believed, then bobsledders are probably the best Olympic athletes to party with, and you know that's got to be true about Migos.
Ski Jump - Morrissey
The ski jump involves a person reaching soaring, incredible heights before they quickly come hurtling back down to earth, human, just like the rest of us. If that isn't the best description for the life and career of Morrissey, then I don't know what is. One minute you're floating above the world, the hero to soft boys everywhere, the next you're making racist comments and excusing sexual predators and you're back on the ground like every other poor sap.
Curling - Ed Sheeran
The popularity of curling in Canada is baffling and the popularity of Ed Sheeran around the globe is equally as perplexing. They're both more curiosities than anything else, and after a few minutes of tuning into either of them you're ready to see if there's anything else on.
Skeleton - Eminem
The skeleton is like the luge except that it's headfirst so if you crash, which you inevitably will, your skull will be caved in and you'll die much faster. Thus, the skeleton is much like listening to Eminem in that they're both great ways to give yourself quick and irreversible brain damage.
Hockey - The Gallagher brothers
Hockey is basically a fist fight on ice with some other stuff going on that nobody really cares about all that much, and who does that remind you of more than the Gallagher brothers? Oasis is really more of a side note to their epic, decades long beef, and just like nobody can tell you who's good in hockey this year, can anyone really name songs from the brothers' side projects? The only reason we tune in anymore is to see bloody noses and bruised egos.
Biathlon - Radiohead
Not content with doing just one thing, the biathlon is a smorgasbord of activities that honestly just sounds tiring. Radiohead is very good at a lot of different things, and I'll give them credit for that, but listening to them or attending one of their shows sounds exhausting.
Snowboarding - Björk
Snowboarding, like Björk, sounds kinda fun until you try it. Then you realize your ears hurt from the cold and the atonal shrieking, and you just spent an entire weeks pay just to experience something that looked better in the five minute Youtube clip you watched.
Figure skating - Justin Timberlake
The most interesting thing that ever happened in figure skating was back in 1994 when Tonya Harding tried to cripple Nancy Kerrigan. Ever since then the figure skating community has been trying to save face and make itself relevant again. The most interesting thing that ever happened with Justin Timberlake is when he exposed Janet Jackson's nipple during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show. Ever since then Justin Timberlake has been trying to save face and make himself relevant again.