If you told me back in 1998 when I was blasting "Ruff Ryders' Anthem" from a front porch in a South Jersey suburb that one day DMX would be called upon to right the wrongs of the American legal system like some sort of hip-hop super hero, I would have absolutely believed it. Sixteen years into the future, however, I've since learned a few important life lessons like pro wrestling is not a logical career choice, nor is DMX a reliable role model. For those who've had their heads buried in the sand (or snow), the barking rapper was recently announced as the chosen contender in an upcoming Celebrity Boxing bout where he'll face off against hated and acquitted shooter of Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman.
Celebrity boxing is normally a tacky event that pits despised and bizarre wash-ups like Tonya Harding and John Wayne Bobbitt against other strange nearly nobodies. According to the show's promoter, Damon Feldman, over 15,000 applicants submitted to fight Zimmerman including civilians and pseudo celebs like Lindsay Lohan's father Michael and rapper The Game—who has a Trayvon Martin tattoo on his leg, but reportedly demanded too much money. So they instead chose this guy...
While DMX's lengthy arrest history is littered with crack possession and animal cruelty charges, the dog's bark may be louder than his bite. The fight is scheduled for March 15th and DMX has already made war declarations, but he hasn't yet officially signed on, and there's ALWAYS a chance that he ends up behind bars prior to the bout. So just in case these plans fall apart, we came up with a few fitting replacements who could wreck George Zimmerman in the ring.
He'd never even have to step foot in the ring.
Insane Clown Posse
Maybe they could set up a tag-team match against Zimmerman and Casey Anthony. Everyone would go nuts when Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope pull a classic WWF-style reveal that they're actually buds and live in the same trailer park as their opponents! Woo!
The former cook would shove a spatula up Zimmerman's ass. And just imagine this big boy's frog-splash off the turnbuckle—unforgiving.
The former correctional officer could show Zimmerman a thing or two about what it's like on the inside.
No matter who wins in the ring, we all win at home.