Lately, it seems like a day doesn't go by without reading a headline concerning Morrissey's zealous disapproval of American meat eaters. It began last week with Pitchfork's daily play-by-play that we're calling "Staple Center Vegan Watch 2013," where they updated us on whether or not the arena would go vegan for the dude's show (what would we do without this groundbreaking coverage?!). Last night, Mr. "Meat Is Murder" refused to share Jimmy Kimmel's playbill with A&E's Duck Dynasty
reality beards because of some rant about the ZZ Top lookalikes being "animal serial killers." It's become clear as day that Morrissey is sustainably harvested bat-shit crazy.
Morrissey's outlandish behavior shouldn't come as a surprise. At 53-years-old, it may seem a little late for a mid-life crisis, but this seems to be the common middle age for rockstars who are somehow immortal (see Keith Richards). And while your uncle's mid-life crisis involved a new convertible and a Kid Rock CD, white male superstars seem to go about it on a much bigger scale. Let's look at a few notable crises that we've encountered recently.
We let the silk scarfed dude from Bahston slide with the appalling 1998 "Pink" vomit. But when he joined the American Idol
panel, we tossed in the flag. But wait...after leaving the show, the legal senior citizen feuded with his 30-year-old muppet monster of a replacement, Nicki Minaj. That's age equivalent to this writer arguing with a kindergartner. And in a recent interview, Tyler boasted about "snorting half of Peru" throughout his career, which is a grandpa rockstar's way of saying, "Back in my day we walked to school uphill both ways, and snorted a shit ton of cocaine." Just for a second, imagine your grandpa wearing feather hair extensions...
Dave Grohl is the anomaly of this group considering he's experiencing his crisis at a relatively normal age (44). But since announcing the Foo Fighters' hiatus in October 2012, Grohl has managed to join/start roughly 600 other bands, release a documentary, host a scary old lady's late night talk show, and solve world hunger, cure AIDs, etc. We liked Grohl much more back when he still had punk rock teeth and hid behind a drum kit.
Twenty something years ago, this dude was a sex symbol. Now he looks like the superintendent of a trailer park. He and his longtime volatile band, Guns N' Roses, are headlining Governors Ball this summer. Good job Gov Ball, you found the only other male performer crazier than Kanye, and who also wears a skirt.
The douchey sunglasses, the ponytail, the smug tude - this dude has shitty step-dad written all over him. But at least when he's out trying to save the world, we don't have to listen to his crap music. Four in Spanish is "quatro," you shit!