The merry day of gifts and too much food is right around the corner, and with that comes the chaotic last minute Christmas shopping. As you make your way to complete these final trips, you will stumble upon some extremely frustrating caricatures. They make the whole ordeal even more excruciating than it already is, but with enough humor and copious amounts of eggnog, you will get through it. If you at least relate these song titles to the obnoxious characters you're bound to encounter, you might be able to have a jolly old laugh at the looming misery. Look on the bright side, once it's all over, you have a whole year before having to deal with it again!
1. The Car Park Thieves ("Been Caught Stealing" - Jane's Addiction)
This is one of the most infuriating types of Christmas shoppers out there. They lurk in car parks, waiting around corners, stalking you through the aisles and then bam! Out of nowhere they zoom in and steal the parking spot you had been patiently waiting for over ten minutes. These people deserve a good key scratch to the side of their car door, but you are a good person, you couldn't possibly commit such a crime…
2. The Slow Walkers ("Slow Walking" - The Avalanches)
These people are the reason we have walking traffic in shopping centers. They're the reason you missed buying that perfect gift for your cousin twice removed, because you were stuck behind one of these glacial paced walkers. They take up space, especially when there's a whole group in a row all imitating a turtle's swagger. At least if you listen to this track while behind these human snails, it'll hopefully pass the time, or at least give you time to listen to it multiple times and memorize the entire song.
3. The Text-Walkers ("Text Me Merry Christmas" - Straight No Chaser ft. Kristen Bell)
Now we are all usually this person, because we live in a digital age and have things to do and people to text. However, there is an appropriate time and place for such multitasking, and that is not in the midst of a Christmas shopping frenzy. These people need to either step out of the way or call the person they're texting. Walk and talk people! We do not have time to constantly dodge your blinded walking, nor can we be bothered dealing with the incessant collisions that arise from this. Please do us all a favor and put that phone away until you've completed your errands, there's plenty of time for that on Christmas day when you're bored of the family drama.
4. The Aggressive Shoppers ("You're A Disgrace" - Naked Aggression)
People who are rude and mean to retail staff deserve to get coal in their stocking this Christmas! Having worked in retail, I can vouch for just how horrible it is to have people abuse you constantly, especially for something you didn't even do. This level of aggression is heightened over the holiday period because everyone is stressed, but that doesn't give anyone the right to be downright rude. You will definitely come across these self entitled angry shoppers and the best thing to do is shout this song at them, yell "you're a disgrace" in their face and hopefully they'll get the hint and run away.
5. The Snatchers ("Let No Man Steal Your Thyme" - Pentangle)
These sneaky people barge through aisles and run over poor children just to steal the very gift you're holding. That last set of Cards Against Humanity that you had finally found after hours of searching for your little brother is now gripped by a manic snatcher. They don't care that you followed the etiquette of shopping, lining up, politely passing other shoppers until you found your ideal gift. Nope, these snatchers don't even consider your existence and attempt to steal your purchase right from your hands! Their confidence is something to be admired, but also detested. When this happens and you're faced in a tug-of-war, you have to hold on tight and sing this song to yourself. Don't let anyone steal what is rightfully yours, you have to fight back!
6. Aimless Shoppers ("Walking Aimlessly" - Anna Ternheim)
These shoppers are very similar to slow walkers, but evil and worse in every way. Why must they choose the busiest time of year to wander around a shopping center aimlessly? Hello, it's Christmas! If you don't need to be here, get out! There is not enough space, time, or patience to deal with this blatant disregard of the holidays. Everyone should be walking with a purpose, to a destination to hurry the whole process. If you happen to be stuck amidst a group of aimless shoppers, tap them on the shoulder give them this song to listen to and send them on a grand hiking adventure, that will give them a purpose alright.
7. The Screaming Families ("Family Business" - Kanye West)
It's not these families' fault they have screaming children or are in some intense family argument -- they too, have to finish their last minute shopping. It would be nice if they didn't have to air their family drama for the rest of us shoppers to endure, but let's not hold it against these clearly exhausted parents and bored children, it's tough out there. It takes great strength to not let these obnoxiously loud families get on your nerves, but we have all been there.