Beyonce Totally Hates Wearing Pants
    • FRIDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2013

    • Posted by: Matt Howard

    After watching 14 of Beyonce's 30-second sample videos, one thing is for damn certain: That girl does not own a single pair of pants. Now don't get me wrong, I'm as big of a fan of dat gap as the next guy, but through seven minutes of 14 different Bey personas the only constant trend was thigh, thigh, power-strut, thigh.

    The videos came packaged with Beyonce's surprise, self-titled album that she dropped last night, and there's one for every track.

    1. "Pretty Hurts"

    Is she a beauty queen or an MMA fighter? Who cares, it's all spandex!

    2. "Haunted"

    Now this video is the only one that goes against the norm as Bey is all Just One of the Guys mixed with American Horror Story in this clip while wearing slacks. But there's a thonged lady with nipple tape so it's all good.

    3. "Drunk in Love" (feat. Jay Z)

    Beyonce is the only human immune to beach sandy crack.

    4. "Blow"

    Wonder what this one's about...

    5. "No Angel"

    Because Beyonce always wears a bikini and a mink when she visits the Ninth Ward. Gotta be one with the people.

    6. "Partition"

    The definition of 'Partition' is to divide into two separate parts—similar to how a g-string divides two cheeks.

    7. "Jealous"

    Just in case we didn't already realize, she reminds us: "Beyonce fillin' out that skirt / I look damn good, I ain't lost it."

    8. "Rocket"

    Time to play everyone's favorite sex scene drinking game: 'Side-boob or Elbow'.

    9. "Mine" (feat. Drake)

    Breakin' II: Beach Break

    10. "XO"

    That time Beyonce just spent the day on the Coney Island Scrambler. Never see below the waste so we just assume no pants were involved.

    11. "***Flawless" (feat. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie)

    Boys n the Hood meets the seedy underworld of the Ninja Turtles foot clan. Stealin' car radios in short-shorts.

    12. "Superpower" (feat. Frank Ocean)


    13. "Heaven"

    Plenty of tears and church, but no pants.

    14. "Blue" (feat. Blue Ivy)

    Filmed in Brazil, also known as the land of bare butts.

    You can buy Beyonce's surprise self-titled release on iTunes.

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