MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2016 |
Posted by: Ben Feit
[Photo Credit: Femina/Camera Press/Redux]
Nothing embodies Thanksgiving quite like eating to the point of no return and entering a completely comatose state. Looking back on the absurd amount of shit you ate, we still can't get over it. Here are a few songs that apply to the different stages of last week's holiday dinner. They'll take you through the pain, the pleasure, the lethargy, and eventually into the sweet bliss of sleep on a full stomach.
1. "Comfortably Numb" - Pink Floyd
Here's the soundtrack to when you went to lay down on the couch because you thought your stomach was about to tear open and everyone thought you were dying. Except instead of your mom or grandma, it's Roger Waters asking "Is there anybody in there?" and "Can you show me where it hurts?" No, grandma, just leave me to die - "I have become comfortably numb."
2. "Hurt" - Johnny Cash
"I hurt myself today / To see if I still feel / I focused on the pain / The only thing that's real." Here's when the realization sets in - this level of binge eating is really bordering on masochism. Yes, you definitely can still feel. You can feel like there is a cinderblock between your chest and your waist. And that pain is real.
3. "Novacane" - Frank Ocean
"I think I started something / I got what I wanted / Did-didn't I?/ Can't feel nothing." There is no limit for stomach space on Thanksgiving. Your stomach's full to the point where you really should stop, but your mouth's just singing "can't feel a thing." It's fine, you can keep going, it's only once a year. Just don't have cocaine for breakfast to jumpstart your Black Friday.
4. "Numb/Encore" - Linkin Park/Jay-Z
This is the crucial moment when desert came out. Your stomach is Chester Bennington screaming at you to not even think about putting any more food in your mouth. But your mind is Jay-Z, and he knows you want that pie. "Can I get an encore? / Do you want more?" Yes, yes you do.
5. "Where Is My Mind?" - The Pixies
Okay, you're past desert. You're one step from gravy starting to ooze out of your eyes, but you're alive. But you're slipping into delirium. You might be slipping off the couch - "with your feet in the air and your head on the ground..." Don't bother asking where your mind is, it's surrounded by a slowly expanding cloud of mashed potatoes. You're just trying to find your way to bed.
6. "Come Away With Me" - Norah Jones
There are not many things comparable to falling asleep entirely satisfied at the height of a food coma. I'd like to think the feeling might be similar to being personally serenaded by Norah Jones - "Come away with me in the night." Floating off peacefully into a sleep long enough for your body to process the five pounds of food you just ate - that's what it's all about.
If nothing else, I hope your Thanksgiving brought your experience with food comas to new heights. I also hope you're not tired of Thanksgiving food (who could be?), because you know you brought those leftovers to work today. Meanwhile, listen to some good tunes, wear your cute new outfit that you bought on Black Friday because it was a frickin' STEAL, and try to wait it out while your stomach shrinks back to a normal size.