the worst record of all time
    • WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2009

    • Posted by:

    Inspired by the combination of some truly awful records and a recurring feature on Videogum, editor Joe Puglisi proves that even criminally awful albums can inspire us... to seek out which of them is the worst.

    Every few months or so (or more frequently, it seemed, in the early aughts), there comes a seemingly harmless, incredibly dumb song that will forever be lodged in the collective conscious of the generation present to watch it rise to number one on terrestrial radio/number one on Bar Mitzvah play lists. Since radio is dead or reinvented already (according to 2005), then we never have to worry about this kind of thing happening in today's world. Oh wait, I forgot about this:

    And this:

    That last one doesn't even have real lyrics! It is just shouting! People love this "song!" My Dad loves it! What is wrong with you, Dad? And my Sister loves it too! I guess I should hate my family or something (sorry Mom).

    No seriously, these songs, as dumb as they seem, are not terrible. They have comedic value! Even though we'll all still be trying to forgot "apple bottom jeans" in twenty years, we can happily couple it with Tom Cruise shaking his fat ass suit in Tropic Thunder (serious LOL action, commander). And that is OK with me.

    You know what is NOT all that much OK with me? A song that only exists as a parody of itself in the first place because except it is very real in its literal meaning of the dumbest refrain to ever not even be able to be parodied because it is already so stupid (what?). And although there were multiple albums of attempts to succeed by the same artist, no one ever heard about the other ones (point?). We'll focus on the main offender: the Grammy award winning. The stupendously annoying sweet sixteen DJ fodder.

    This sounds offensive. This sounds dangerous. This sounds like the worst record of all time! Built around the worst song of all time! Yes of course I am talking about "Who Let The Dogs Out?" by the Baha Men.

    NOMINEE #2: Who Let The Dogs Out? (2000)

    Now there are a ton of things immediately wrong about this JUST BASED ON THE COVER. Remember when Mrs. Friedlander told you in third grade not to judge a book by its cover? She crazy for this one, kids.

    Look at these guys! Is that Sisqo in the bottom left corner? (comparison here) Shirtless? Check. Not to mention they wrote an entire song about dogs escaping and won a Grammy for it. A GRAMMY? If I had written this nonsense in third grade, Mrs. Friedlander would have given me a frowny face sticker and sent me to detention.

    Sorry Johnny, maybe your song "Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Veterinarian" will hit the Billboard charts in a few years.

    Oh and the Grammy award winning lyrics? I bet the webmaster at kept a straight face while entering them into his database.

    Who let the dogs out
    {woof, woof, woof, woof}
    {woof, woof, woof, woof}
    {woof, woof, woof, woof}
    {woof, woof, woof, woof}

    Who let the dogs out {woof, woof, woof, woof}
    Who let the dogs out {woof, woof, woof, woof}

    {woof, woof, woof, woof}"

    Good lord! There are 28 'woofs' before the first verse even starts. There are approximately 152 'woofs' in the song. Which means the amount of times a "woof" has sounded at your local McDonald's birthday party play-place could be in the billions! The basic conceit of the song (if I can call it that without being egged by literary types who know what a real conceit is) is that dogs escaped during a Bahamas celebration of stereotypes, and now everyone is asking their girl to catch the dogs? But it is more about bones to catch the dogs? "A doggy is nuttin' if he don't have a bone/All doggy hold ya' bone, all doggy hold it?" What? Are they talking about actual dogs or penises? I suppose it doesn't contribute to the plaintiff's defense that I literally have yet to make it through the entire song without laughing so hard I have to turn it off to continue writing. Woof!

    Let's also not forget I've only been harping on ONE SONG! Can you imagine the things going on during the rest of this dog-eat-dog record? Let's see; ridiculously famous producer tragically yet comically attached to Wikipedia page by disgruntled fan (Brian Eno)? Check . Also according to Wikipedia (the most reliable of interweb news networks) ex-presidential candidate and famous Morman Mitt Romney was a producer (what?), but I think it is more likely an oversight of the Wiki-people after this happened. Mormonism meets rap skills meets latent racism? That's a deal breaker, ladies. The real producer was a guy named Desmond Childs, better known as the montser who created this.

    But really, the other songs are just terrible and don't even merit me analyzing them. I will run through them quickly now. "You All Dat" - it is just like "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" meets "Sexual Healing" except impossible to listen to, just like every other track. Wait, never mind, I quit. I can't handle laughing this hard in a work environment.

    Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof I hate my life. Oh and don't get me started on the Bar Mitvahs and Chuck E Cheese rendezvous that were salt-and-peppered with this crap. And then the song wouldn't die with our childhoods! So many sports teams use it, even today, because, you know, nothing says "let's beat the competition" like chauvinism and puppy imagery with double-entendre sexual meanings. Classy, Michigan! And the movies that have used it? Well, you can guess what they involve.

    Very original Tim Allen. "I rediscovered my family and the proper way to eat a bowl of Cheerios. Thanks, Baha Men."

    Woof! Now, normally I would just call it a day and retire to my woof-proof lair, but I cannot, because this is not the worst record of all time. By definition, the WHOLE RECORD must be equally as horrid and depraved. Does the entire record haunt my dreams at night? No. Does it make sense that it won a Grammy? Probably not. But only the song won a Grammy. The rest of the record got a frowny face sticker from Mrs. Friedlander Pitchfork. And it will get a giant Robert Christgau "dud" rating from me. What is that, you say? Fukui-Son?

    Fukui-Son: "A Dud (symbolized by a bomb icon) is a bad record whose details rarely merit further thought. At the upper level it may merely be overrated, disappointing, or dull. Down below it may be contemptible.

    Thanks! Except in keeping with the theme of the Baha Men and their awful, frequently licensed song, instead of a bomb, it will be in the shape of a giant dog turd.

    Next time: Dee Dee Ramone's solo rap album (again, not kidding). The ear torture quest continues with your help! Please send any/all suggestions and nominations to, or just hit me in the face with a gun, repeatedly, until I lose enough blood to die, because some of these suggestions are greater than or equal to my messy, untimely death by pistol whip. Until next time! -joe puglisi

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