I went to the movies the other day, an activity that I rarely partake in for no reason I suppose other than that my short attention span doesn't allow me to enjoy taking in new films. Naturally, like everyone else in America, I saw the new Star Wars movie, but that's not the rabbit hole I'm going down right now. What really caught my eye in the theater, besides the fish nuns, was the preview for Ocean's 8
, and particularly, Rihanna
Now I know I'm well behind on this discussion, like I said, I rarely, if ever, go to the movies so I'm usually missing trailers like this one by the bunches, but Rihanna's casting just stood out to me so much. Crossover musicians like Rihanna typically don't get much love in the film industry, and usually for good reason. Now I saw Battleship, and for a movie based off of a board game, I thought it was pretty decent, and that Rihanna did pretty well in it. However, I'm not going to try and defend Rihanna and Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
. That movie knows how bad it is.
Rihanna isn't the only musician to have attempted to make the jump to the silver screen, and for better or for worse, she isn't the only one to have landed in a flop. Hollywood just loves trying to make it happen, so here's some of the worst appearances by musicians in film history.
1. Ed Sheeran - Game of Thrones
I read somewhere online that said that people were excited by Ed Sheeran's cameo in Game of Thrones
this past season, and that is the definition of fake news. Sheeran's small cameo was greeted by a chorus of internet jeers and boos, and was almost universally despised. I came close to quitting on Game of Thrones
just because of it. Game of Thrones
is a show that relies on immersion and gritty realism, and there's nothing like a goofy, pasty Brit with a mop of ginger hair singing acapella with his war-weary soldier pals to take you completely out of that immersion.
2. Kanye West - The Love Guru
I'll be candid and admit here that I've never seen this movie all the way through and have no intention of seeing it all the through. But I can tell you from my experience and from the clip above, The Love Guru
is unquestionably the most WTF movie in existence. I'm giving Justin Timberlake a pass on this one, because I really need to focus on roasting Kanye. I guess after the "George Bush doesn't care about black people" t.v. spot following Hurricane Katrina, Kanye West and Mike Myers decided to team up on a movie together, and what we got is this abomination, with Kanye screaming "I love hockey" with all the enthusiasm of someone who has a gun pointed at them. It's amazing Taylor Swift hasn't tried to use this moment to roast Kanye in one of her songs.
3. Michael Jackson - Men In Black II
Unlike The Love Guru
, I actually have seen this movie all the way through. I've seen all of the Men In Black
movies and actually really enjoyed them, but never realized Michael Jackson made a cameo in the second one until someone pointed it out to me. I guess I can't really say he acted his part poorly, after all he was only on screen for a few seconds, but looking back it's such a jarring shock. It smacks of a desperation to add a big name to the movie in whatever way possible, but it is kind of cute when Jackson wants to become an agent of Men In Black, saying that he could become Agent M.
4. Madonna - Die Another Day
Look, I'm a huge James Bond fan, so this one really grinds my gears a bit. First of all, Pierce Brosnan is most definitely not the best Bond, and he certainly isn't better than Daniel Craig, so back off with that nonsense. Additionally, Die Another Day
was one of the worst Bond movies, focusing more on over-the-top theatrics than coherent plot points or even dialogue that sounds like it came from actual human beings. Nowhere is this more evident than in this scene, where Madonna inexplicably shows up as a fencing instructor, where she proceeds to posture and recite stiff lines for the camera, looking like she's inches away from breaking the fourth wall and acknowledging that this is all an act, and a poorly constructed one at that.
5. Beyonce - Austin Powers in Goldmember
Back in 2002, someone must have had some serious dirt on Beyonce that she didn't want to get out, because there's no other plausible explanation for her appearance in this movie. The Austin Powers movies are all nothing more than an hour and change of poorly-wrought puns and stereotypes, and Beyonce's appearance as "Foxxy Cleopatra" is just wholly unbefitting of her. To recap, Beyonce's screen time includes her talking with an exaggerated Louisiana accent, engaging in overtly sexual double entendres and puns with Mike Myers and getting her leg humped by a dwarf clone. And it's not like she was some nobody at the time, she was freaking Beyonce, well known from her time in Destiny's Child and had been dating Jay-Z since she was 19. This role is a total head-scratcher and probably a confirmation that Beyonce is in the Illuminati or something.