The year is 2018. There is a national epidemic of grown adults eating Tide Pods, Donald Trump being president, and Google making a database of our faces for the government with an app that everyone is going crazy for. If you have a smartphone, chances are you've either seen or used the Google Arts and Culture app to match your selfie to a work of art hanging in a gallery or museum somewhere. There's really nothing to it, you just upload a picture of your face, and receive either a compliment or an insult depending on how attractive or hideous an algorithm finds you. It's the perfect way to waste five minutes, and I'm going to waste five more minutes of your life by comparing some of the biggest artists of today to works of art using the app.
1. Taylor Swift
I think this one is a good match. The painting has the same shrew-like face that Taylor does, including the cursor which I forgot to move over when taking the picture.
2. Kanye West
Because where is Taylor without Kanye?
3. Ed Sheeran
I thought to myself, "there's no way this thing could make Ed Sheeran's mug any uglier, and I was right. This is an improvement.
4. Lil Pump
This is, not bad? If anything it's a compliment to Lil Pump's exquisite cheekbones and jawline I guess.
5. Marilyn Manson
I figured this could go one of two ways and it went the safer, more predictable route. Not much shocking here besides home boy's mustache/goatee pairing.
6. Riff Raff
In order to see what this app is really capable of I uploaded a pic of Riff Raff and it did not disappoint.
7. DJ Khaled
I had high hopes for this one too, but it's pretty bland I guess. A nice slimming look for DJ Khaled though. I guess Weight Watchers is paying off.
8. St. Vincent
Boy this app really knows a strong jawline when it sees one.
9. Justin Bieber
"Young Girls". Shots fired.
10. Cardi B
I was hoping for a picture of red bottoms, but alas, the app did its job with boring imprecision.
I could see this working as an aging app or something to see what you'll look like in the future. Quavo might be kind of dapper when he gets older.
12. Post Malone
There we go! That's the stuff of nightmares I'm looking for!
Adele has always been, and always will be a dainty-looking English girl.
14. Kendrick Lamar
Sometimes the app pulls a Benjamin Button.
Still a queen, I guess? The fun is starting to wear off. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and take selfies of myself to try it so my coworkers don't see me and think I'm conceited.