DJ Khaled's 8 Keys to Success
    • THURSDAY, JANUARY 12, 2017

    • Posted by: Matt Guyotte

    According to a recent NPR interview with DJ Khaled, he released a book. And it's called The Keys. About a year ago, DJ Khaled made waves both on social media and with his jetski for his series of Snapchat stories that featured him delivering off-the-cuff words of wisdom, which he called "keys." He are some of those keys.

    Who are "they" anyway, DJ Khaled?

    1. "Dove is the key."

    With there being more videos on the internet of DJ Khaled shirtless in some kind of water than not, he shows that the key is to be clean. He embodies this in this steamy shower scene where he is using his favorite name brand white bar of soap, Dove.

    2. "Don't put no time on me."

    Staring at his expensive box of even more expensive watches, Khaled dispenses some valuable wisdom about not succumbing to your age and doing what you want. It was reported that he went and took a nap in his hammock afterwards.

    3. "Hate is a waste of emotion. Tell them to jump in the ocean."

    Proving himself to be both a a skilled DJ and MC, Khaled drops this valuable key to unlock the gate to fulfillment, and your $10,000 underground swimming pool.

    4. "Ah wah di da blood clot ay yo shcola a da bum buck"

    Discussing the economic turmoil that happened in the united states since the housing crisis at the end of the Bush administration, Khaled gives the solution in a very simple way: making money off of blood clots. This is an essential key, and one that will get you a $200,000 hot tub that you can make snapchat stories in.

    5. "Just counter-sue them though. Don't back down."

    Returning to his hammock, he discusses another key to his economic success. Counter-suing. They don't want you to win. You got to fight back. When you get famous like Khaled, people just start to sue you, for some unknown reason. Just remember that when you win that lawsuit, you have to make a video about holding women down, showing them they need men's approval to exist, and bring all your friends with thousands of fans that that look up to them along to show that this is a perfectly normal and desirable thing to do. If you ever get sued, it's because 'they' don't want you to succeed.

    6. "Lion!"

    A simple saying with a lot of power behind it, Khaled is telling us to look to the king of the African planes as the inspiration to become the king of the American shopping malls.

    Make sure to say it everywhere you go, too.

    7. "Cocoa butter is the key"

    Back to the bathroom again. They say cleanliness is the key to godliness, and cocoa butter is the key to get women to say "Khaled you smell so good" to you.

    8. "Don't play yourself"

    And most importantly, just remember that if someone is mad at you, that they're just playing themselves. You don't need them, dude. Just remember to post your argument on Snapchat to make yourself into a meme, promoting discussion all over the internet, giving your music more attention; giving you money to buy all the bars of Dove in the world and write about a book about snapchat life advice.

    Maybe Khaled played all of us.

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