An Exhaustive List Of Scenarios Where It's OK To Listen To Elliott Smith In No Particular Order
  • WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2012

  • Posted by: Joe Puglisi

You guys, I'm tired of the recent rash of "best of" lists trying to chronicle the best Elliott Smith songs. There is NO SUCH THING as the "best" Elliott Smith song. They are all the worst Elliott Smith song. Period. No one should want to "be in the mood" to listen to Elliott Smith, because it is such an awful mood you must be in! It's an emotionally taxing and depressing (albeit sometimes necessary) state of mind that as responsible adult humans, we should fear and attempt to avoid by trying to live decent and fulfilling lives, or so my guidance counselor told me. Do you LIKE depression? Because if you do, then this is your new jam! And by jam, I mean get help. But it seems like plenty of people are willing to rank Smith's work without providing the INCREDIBLY NECESSARY list of reasons why you might turn to Elliott Smith for sonic escape and wallowing.

Let's not belittle the genius of Smith by trying to rank his tortured art. Let's just make a huge list of when to wield it.

AN EXHAUSTIVE LIST OF SCENARIOS WHERE IT IS OK TO LISTEN TO ELLIOTT SMITH IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER OF SEVERITY

The day after Christmas
Middle School gym class
You just broke up
Your car dies
Your dog dies
Your iPhone dies
Sibling fails a drug test and goes back to jail
Sibling beats you up in a serious way
You drop out of college
Parents hate you
The Patriots win the Superbowl
Your ex's new boyfriend beats you up
Your ex's new girlfriend beats you up
Your ex's new transgender-friend gives you a sex-ed pamphlet about scary things
Mitt Romney gets elected
You're shaving and consider cutting
You're 13
You're 14
You're 15
You're 16
You're 17
You're 18
You're 19
It's raining
It's cold enough to snow
Another story involving gun violence
You live in Minnesota
Because life is hard, and you also have student loans
You're 35
You watched Good Will Hunting again
Anderson Cooper
You failed the LSAT
You time travel to 1996
Divorce court
You're within 50 feet of a graveyard
Die Antwoord are still releasing new music and people are buying it
Your TV broke
You're broke
Broken windows in your immediate line of sight
iPod shuffle*
You drop your sandwich on the floor and YOU REALLY WANTED IT
You have Celiac and can't eat pizza and it's pizza friday in the office
You blew the interview
Your wine was corked
Bad haircut
Favorite celebrity gets married
Favorite celebrity couple gets divorced
Fender bender
Tax return is due, you aint got no money
Driving through the desert
Valentine's Day
The day after Valentine's Day
You read about Suri Cruise's latest birthday party, which cost roughly about the same as your liberal arts college tuition
You remember Honey Boo-Boo exists
Ran out of bath soap, realized it while in the shower
Remember Michael Jackson is dead
Pants dont fit anymore
It's your 30th birthday and youre single
It's your 30th birthday and youre married with four kids
Internet connection is down
You tried plugging and unplugging it again and again
You stubbed your toe
Your mom made you clean your room
You still live with your mom
Your mom has an annoying cat and he keeps biting your feet
Ellio's Frozen Cheese Pizza for dinner... again
Microwave is broken
No more matching socks
Movie sold out, but you preemptively bought popcorn because you were hungry
Hi-C discontinued Ecto-Cooler
It's snowing but it's not a snow day at your school
Cable bill keeps changing for no reason
Nothing on TV
Credit card debt
The Dark Knight movies triology is over
Someone is tailgating you really hard
Ticketmaster messed up your ticket order
You think about the broken education system in America
Store ran out of your favorite Doritos
The DJ at your cousin's Bar Mitzvah

Add your own!


















*does not require legitimate depression if it is a truly random event, but approach with caution

Comments

Hot Baeble Videos
Beth Hart live at Baeble HQ

Beth Hart live at Baeble HQ

The Heavy live at The Baeble Bounce House

The Heavy live at The Baeble Bounce House

Disclosure live at Hype Hotel

Disclosure live at Hype Hotel

Bloc Party live at The Baeble Bounce House

Bloc Party live at The Baeble Bounce House

CHVRCHES live at Summer Stage

CHVRCHES live at Summer Stage

Kat Graham live at Baeble HQ

Kat Graham live at Baeble HQ

Marian Hill live at Baeble HQ

Marian Hill live at Baeble HQ

ROZES live at Baeble HQ

ROZES live at Baeble HQ

Mario live at The Bell House

Mario live at The Bell House

Matisyahu live at Baeble HQ

Matisyahu live at Baeble HQ

© 2017 Baeble Media. All rights reserved.