WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15, 2012 |
Posted by: Amanda Scherker
Unless you currently live in a blissful state of hermitude, you probably know that Kim and Kanye have joined together as one. This strategic career move was deemed "Kimye" by their fortune-seeking publicists. Now, the union has been made eternal with the supposed creation of Kanye's still-to-be-released single, "Perfect B*itch," dedicated to his boo.
Once again, we find ourselves confused, overwhelmed, and depressed for humanity. So, we've decided to either celebrate or mourn Kanye's romantic gesture the only way we know; with a list of course! The Top 5 Least Romantic Love Songs, and GO:
1. Sting and The Police, "I'll Be Watching You"
In a terribly misguided profession of love, these sad sacks master the "one half serial killer, one half Big Brother" tone. Of course we all know what our tongue-tied protagonist means. He'll be there for his sweetie; rich or poor, wrinkle-free or dentures, bald and drooling. Cute, no? And yet, this lovesick puppy comes off sounding like a stage-five clinger at best and a internet stalker at worst. Oh, musicians: sometimes you're not sure whether to hug 'em or file a restraining order.
2. Bowling for Soup, "You're a B*tch"
With words fit for a Valentine's Day doily, Bowling for Soup belly-flops in this ode to a not-so-sweet sweetheart. Spiteful, yet pleading, it's a masterful work of passive-agression. And definitely the best way to convince a girl to be nicer to you.
3. The Turtles, "Elenore"
In this serenade to all that is ambivalent and inarticulate, The Turtles offer Elenore an endless string of shoulder-shrug compliments. "Etc." is a word best reserved for vague politicians, not desperate lovers.
4. Annette Funicello, "Pineapple Princess"
In an unforgettable instance of alliteration gone awry, we give you "Pineapple Princess." By name, it sounds a bit like the discarded protagonist of the Grimm Brothers' Caribbean contemporaries. In practice, it's really just a goofy concoction of tropical tweeness, mixed with a splash of ukelele and infused with the innocent sugar-rush of a virgin Pina Colada. We're no Dear Abbey, but if dude ever calls you "Pineapple Princess," it might be time to join an internet dating site. The music video, though, is a must-watch. Everything hilariously awful about '60s Beach Party flicks is packed into less than 3 minutes.
5. Paul Anka, "You're Having My Baby"
The implications of this song are bleak. With lyrics that could just as easily be sung to a surrogate mother as they could to a knocked-up lover, Anka waxes poetic about pregnancy glows and the magic of reproduction. Call me cynical, but all I hear is 18 years of looming child support payments. A tune best accompanied by a YouTube montage of large, swollen bellies and quiet, Lamaze breaths.
There are so many ways to say "I love you," and most of them are wrong. Before you try to make like Billy Shakespeare, listen and learn from the masters of tactlessness, the wordsmiths of romantic catastrophe.