The S.S. Coachella, the one and only music festival at sea, is actually happening. Hot Chip, Yeasayer, James Murphy and more will sail around the Bahamas and Jamaica playing for literally a boatload of people. This wouldn't be the line-up if it were up to me. I like Sleigh Bells as much as the next person, but being stuck on a boat with them isn't exactly how I want to spend my winter vacation. It's a week AT SEA. During most festivals when you get tried of all the hipsters in neon wife-beaters and plastic sunglasses you can just retreat back to your tent. Or drive home early if the closing bands are no good. All that isn't really possible when you're on a boat. For a week. In the middle of the Caribbean. That is why I propose a rival cruise, hypothetically headlining acts I would actually want to sail away with.

My boat tour would only last three days instead of five. The Lonely Island's "I'm On A Boat" will play as we sail out of the Long Island Sound. Day one is nautically themed. Azelea Banks will play selections from Aquababe. Then Odd Future and Frank Ocean will take the stage. For a closer, the video for The Gorillaz's "Meloncholy Hill" will be reenacted with a full cast of cameos. On Day Two, Ellie Goulding, Passion Pit and Beach House will play in the boat version of the rave tent. Sailor hats will be given out instead of glow sticks. As the day draws to a close, everyone can unwind to Best Coast's The Only Place and Weezer's "Surf Wax America". Finally day three will start with We Are Augustines playing Rise Ye Sunken Ships in full. Next up would be The New Pornographers and JEFF the Brotherhood. Then after a short break, the whole adventure ends with The Hives and Foster The People.

On no condition would Celine Dion be allow aboard.

So what's your dream boat lineup?