Inspired by the combination of some truly awful records and a recurring feature on Videogum, editor Joe Puglisi proves that even criminally awful albums can inspire us... to seek out which of them is the worst.
LAST TIME, ON WORST RECORD: Cliffhangers. Things exploded and main characters were briefly presumed dead. Sookie read our minds, Desmond traveled through time. We discovered the tomb of the K-Fed, and he ripped out our hearts with his terrible lyricism. It's been several month since we've seen each other, sure. BUT: I think we've got one last quest in us before the story painfully shifts from unexplainable, supernatural elements to Aztec aliens, and Shia LeBoef gets cast, and Spielberg laughs himself to sleep in his mounds of cash money and fan's tears. That is decades away!
We've finally found the lost cup of WROATs. Crack out your ear buds. Let's get rowdy. WITH FLOSS. Let me explain.
A few weeks ago I was wandering around the streets of Delray, a popular beach and recreation area for the wealthy, and their generally speaking, smoking hot companions (I was staying a town over for a wedding, because of course I was). After dinner, the group I was with wandered into a peculiar shop filled with musical memorabilia, in the form of large framed photographs and artwork depicting the Rolling Stones, The Beatles, etc. You know, the stuff that old, rich people like. BUT I discovered that this particular store also carried a large amount of Muhammad Ali photos, and that is when I saw it, in pristine condition, framed, in plain site. I'm talking about Ali and His Gang Vs. Mr. Tooth Decay
Now, I've known about this record for some time, but I did NOT think it still existed in physical form. It's like the Holy Grail of Worst Records. I've seen whispers of it on Geocities pages with antiquated animated GIFs of Nintendo Punchout characters, but never in all my days did I expect to find a mint condition copy just taunting me in an upscale Delray boutique. So I did some Googling, and this is what I found.
The entire thing. Please listen before we continue. You might need to take some breaks.
Hahahahahahahahaha WHAT? Adults made this? I know this is a little out of my jurisdiction as Officer Music of the Listenable PD, but this record is so ridiculous, it makes Weird Al look like Chopin.
Mr. Tooth Decay and his assistants "Suga Cuba" and "Willy Plaque"? Guest spots from Frank Sinatra, and legendary sports journalist Howard Cosell, "The greatest children's story ever told?" Not to mention some questionable sound mixing and script writing? As I discovered from some internet mining, "this may be the only discussion of biodynamic farming on a children's record". Huh?
"Who put the crack in the Liberty Bell?/ ALI" - How this actually starts.
Most of the record, admittedly, is not music. Most of the forty or so minutes are filled with poor acting and a funky instrumental backdrop. The story is somewhat incomprehensible, I think that "Dental Floss" and "Toothbrush" are people at one point? There is a scene in Andy's mouth? The kids use comic books about flossing and over-sized oral hygiene tools to fight Mr. Tooth Decay? For the first time in the history of WROAT, I am speechless.
So instead I'll just pick out some of my favorite moments:
"Yesterday I murdered a rock"
"The gang is driven to a house on top of a small mountain. [cow noises]"
"Look at all the fruit trees!" (You have to hear this one)
The fact that Mr. Tooth Decay's voice is a cross between a Russian and Count Chocula.
Every time someone says the word "terrible", it gets more hilarious.
"Brother St. John gave me this giant toothbrush that I keep in my back pocket so that I might always be ready"
The "eating sugar cake" noises are not real eating noises. No way.
"Regular checkups is a must!"
The fight between Ali and Mr. Tooth Decay at the end, narrated by Howard Cosell, the only followable bit of the record, is EPIC.
Um, Mr. Tooth Decay's "warning" at the very end? CREEPY. PG-18.
The ADA of 1976 was in full support of all of this. Haha, really? This is truly the worst. Oh wait, nevermind. This is
. Google at your own risk.
NEXT TIME, ON WORST RECORD: Oh God, there is going to be a next time? -joe puglisi