TUESDAY, JUNE 03, 2014 |
Posted by: K. Hess
Remember when you could buy things over the phone by sending a check or money order for the amount shown plus shipping and handling to the address shown? Remember C.O.D.? ... Remember a time before DVR when you still had to watch commercials? Well, these 10 compilation album commercials will make you wish didn't.
1. Worship Jamz
"It's worship time!"
Even God hopped on the Apple train for this righteous iPod rip off. Note the holy Harlem shake at 0:35.
2. Kidz Bop
"These are the songs kids [and horny teenagers everywhere] are singing!"
Even with the half-assed lyrical edits, there is nothing creepier than a 9-year-old belting out "Oops I Did It Again"... Except maybe Britney Spears in that red pleather unitard.
3. Monsters of Rock
"The monster of all monsters is back, and it's gonna kick your ass!"
... Can it kick in our ears first?
4. Secret Love CD
"These songs really bring out the animal in some people"
Note the shut down at 0:41. Wait, is this gonna get me laid or not? I mean, nobody bought this CD to listen to... right?
5. Magic Moments
"Sit back, relax, and listen to..."
... The only collection vague and confused enough to feature The Bangles and Crosby, Stills & Nash on the same disc.
6. The Classic Rock Collection
"Get ready to re-live rock at it's best!"
... He says over KISS' "Rock And Roll All Night" ...Really? Eight fully loaded discs, and you're gonna try to sell me on a KISS track? That KISS track? Who's in charge here? I'd like to speak to your manager.
7. Buzz Ballads
"This is pure rock passion, and it's gonna take your buzz to the next level!"
Every song from your unjustifiably angsty millennial youth. Who bought this CD? We already downloaded it track for track off Napster. Duh.
8. Fired Up!
"It's about to hit, so brace yourself because you're gonna get Fired Up!"
Every song you forgot about secretly loving from the late 90s and early 2000s. Full disclosure: I'm absolutely Fired Up! Tack on the extra $4.99 for rush delivery please and thank you.
9. NOW: That's What I Call Music Vol.2
"The wait is over!"
If you are a young adult who has not yet had the pleasure of feeling old and dated, then try this on for size: in 2014 the U.S. Series of Now That's What I Call Music released NOW 50. Look on the bright side, at this point you're probably old enough to call the number on the screen to place your order.
10. The Carpenters: Love Songs
"This is the one carpenters collection you'll want to own"
... Because one Carpenters collection is plenty.