Can You Guess The Christian Rock Band Name?
  • FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2014

  • Posted by: Peter Dolan

There's something about Christian rock bands, and that something is that their names are dumb and fantastic. Mostly they sound like someone just wrote down a bunch of nouns, threw them into a communion bowl with a bunch of Biblical word magnets, then picked out a handful and hopped to it. And there are a lot of them. It's as if stadium worship rock were the only thing keeping God from loosing his righteous vengeance on us all for allowing the son of the dad from Growing Pains to make music.

Now, it's up to you to channel the Wisdom of the Lord. In the 12 pairs of band names listed below, one belongs to a band of God's faithful, and one's just our secular blasphemous imagination. Can you separate the sheep from the goats?

ROUND 1:
— Atomic Opera
— Zealot Machine

ROUND 2:
— The Devil Wears Prada
— Fashion of the Christ

ROUND 3:
— Between Thieves
— Water to Iron & Wine

ROUND 4:
— Cool Hand Luke
— Pope of Pop

ROUND 5:
— Guerilla Rodeo
— #bless

ROUND 6:
— Family Force 5
— Malleus Maleficarum

ROUND 7:
— Conversion Camp
— Evanescence

ROUND 8:
— Lust Control
— CCD Soundsystem

ROUND 9:
— MyChildren MyBride
— The Polygamazing Family Band

ROUND 10:
— Neon Cross
— Lil Jon the Baptist

ROUND 11:
— Quench
— Queens Club

ROUND 12:
— Widdlesworth
— C.S. Lewis' Soundcloud

ANSWER KEY:

1. Atomic Opera. But if we're being honest with ourselves, somewhere out there is probably an actual Christian grindcore group called Zealot Machine.



2. The Devil Wears Prada. Thought this one was a joke.



3. Between Thieves. Iron & Wine looks a lot like Jesus, but the jury's out on whether or not he is actually Jesus.



4. Cool Hand Luke. But pop papacy might as well be a thing as long as Beyonce is with us.



5. Guerilla Rodeo. "#bless" is generally what Lana Del Rey fans put after a tweet in which they threaten her life if she doesn't follow them.



6. Family Force 5. The Malleus Maleficarum was a witch hunter manual published in medieval Germany. Family Force 5 is a Christian crunk rock band with a frontman named Crouton. So.



7. Evanescence. I didn't really expect you to have to guess on this one, I just wanted to remind you that Evanescence was a thing. Conversion camp's also a thing, and it's also Christian, it's just real sad and we're not gonna get into it.



8. Lust Control. Lust Control is a Christian thrash punk band. CCD stands for Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, otherwise known as Roman Catholic Sunday school, otherwise known as a one-night-a-week prison sentence to be served until your parents get tired of going to church.



9. MyChildren MyBride. I feel like there is for sure something in Leviticus prohibiting gauges, but whatever.



10. Neon Cross. Though what is communion wine but fancy crunk juice?



11. Queens Club or Quench? Trick question: they're both real! And in an ironic twist, they'd both make fantastic names for gay bars.



12. Widdlesworth. Apparently they're a real Christian rock band, but their name makes them sound more like a murderous butler from a BBC serial drama. C.S. Lewis was the author of the Chronicles of Narnia, a series of books that, as with Flyleaf, my prepubescent self didnt realize was Christian until I was in too deep.

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