WEDNESDAY, MAY 21, 2014 |
Posted by: K. Hess
Thanks to the lovely folks on Dance Moms we at home now know just how competitive dancing can really be. I mean, look up your favorite dance video (everyone has a favorite dance video so don't bullshit me) and just browse through the comments, there's always a hater typing some trash in MISPELLED CAPS. This troubled us here at Baeble, and so we did a little research and came to the only possible conclusion: No matter how you get down — be it the foxtrot or the freak — when you break it down, we all look like assholes on the dance floor.
1. How to Dougie
Step 1: Always listen to the nasally white guy when learning hip-hop.
Step 2: Watch Justin Beiber's douchier little brother very closely as he breaks it down.
Step 3: Completely ignore the cool Asian dude who doesn't look like an asshole.
2. How to Dance Hardcore
Always dance in groups. It allows the asshole vibe to spread evenly across the backs of many, rather than fall on the tattooed shoulders of one.
3. How to Rave
If large groups are unavailable, grab the nearest uncoordinated blonde girl in animal print, and make her look like more of an asshole than you do. Oh, my apologies, that was supposed to read "teach her how to Rave".
4. How to Freak
Always celebrity name drop, and make sure you talk a false game. No one will know except for your dance partner, who is clearly better than you are.
5. How to Skank
Oh we're Skanking!? You mean we're doing the bastard child of The Charleston and The Running Man, well why didn't you just say so?
6. How to Tap Dance
Brush, spank, shuffle, ball change, ... wait, is Tap Dancing sexy?
7. How to Belly Dance
When giving a tutorial, including snippets that showcase your own talent (and ability to look directly into the camera) in different outfits and locations will definitely help you look more like an asshole.
8. How to Salsa
It's possible that these two do not look like assholes, however, they have angled the camera so that all the white people who truly need their help can continue to salsa without moving their hips (i.e. like assholes).
9. How to Flatfoot
This girl has a pretty fool-proof life hack: She got an even bigger asshole to hold the camera.
Our final example is the only example we could find of someone dancing without looking like an asshole. Drum roll please...
The Secret: Be a super hot chick, don't take yourself seriously, and shake that ass. (Sorry to numbers 2 and 4, you were only half way there.) I give you...
10. How to Twerk
Brought to you by two really hot and funny girls.