Last night, I watched the Billboard Music Awards with great resistance as I was a houseguest without rightful access to the remote control. There were so many worthy primetime Sunday night options that I would have preferred to watch, but I was in a house that had been infected with a particular fever that I'll address later. To my surprise, however, I was moderately entertained by the event's fanfare and overall absurdity. This musical event's ridiculousness seemed to hit a positive nerve as something we've all been lacking since the glory days of MTV's Video Music Awards came to a close a few years back when they realized they were no longer in the music biz anymore, and it's a bit difficult to award a bunch of pregnant teens any more than they already have.
Please don't misinterpret my "hit a positive nerve" by thinking I was enamored by the glitz and glammy dances and performances. I'm more of a fan of metaphorical train wrecks. I'm one of the assholes that decelerates on the freeway to get a solid look at the extent of a car accident because I'm cynical and selfish and it makes me feel much better about the meaningless crap I'm stressing about. Hence, I get a bit of a contact high from famous people's blunders. And last night during the Billboard Music Awards, blunders were plentiful.
Before I map out the mishaps, I just want to acknowledge the underlying absurdity of this show altogether. Any jackass can look at the charts and determine who won according to their performance. But I guess that's why they add asinine categories like "Touring Award", which this year went to a lingerie-clad Madonna, who has quickly catapulted into Cher-like horror.
Finally, here are our Winners and Losers from last night's Billboard Music Awards.
WINNER: Kid RockWhy: He was loaded and reminded me of my awful best man speech at my brother's wedding. I didn't mean to say you were making a mistake! I'm sorry!
WINNER: KE$HAWhy: Tracy Morgan called you Key-sha making you for once only a part of a funny joke, and not the literal joke.
LOSER: Justin BieberWhy: He claimed in his acceptance speech to be a true artist and not a gimmick. This happened shortly after he exited a mini spaceship filled with smoke. I also suspect he's overcompensating a bit with all that crotch space.
WINNER: Jennifer LopezWhy: Her boots fell off, but somehow her lady parts remained within her leotard, making us the losers in this particular case.