You might have noticed I accidentally didn't post a Smash recap yesterday? WHY you ask? Perhaps it was the realization that there are four more painful episodes left, or the fact that I spent the entire weekend in a much happier place than in front of my TV watching NBC's worst decision since The Cape. It could be because a little internet bird told me that there is some sort of Bollywood scene, and the notion of having to admit that I watched it, let alone string a bunch of words together to describe it, even in the most extremely sarcastic of sarcastic ways, is literally unbearable. My cranium is already trying to self-detonate and I've only just clicked play on Hulu. Will my testicles ever descend again? Find out on this week's Smash recap, brought to you by the guy who was nice enough to put together my will for cheap. Here we go!
This week we begin with a salacious early rehearsal meeting between Derek and Karen, where he tells her he sees her as Marilyn in his head. Duh. Of course Ellis is there, snooping. Of course Ivy walks in and sees it. Of course my brain doesn't have enough plutonium in its core to blow itself up, so I'm stuck doing this thing, I GUESS. Ellis goes to apologize to his loser assistant friend for calling him a loser before their weird date, and he says he's "not kidding" about wanting to talk to him for a second. Oh good, I just assume when people ask if I have a second to talk they are always kidding, and I needed clarification that his intentions were sincere and not douche-y, and "I'm not kidding" is the best way to communicate your sincerity! "Yo, you got a minute to talk? Just kidding! I said that for no reason!" The writers are clearly on PCP.
Rebecca keeps changing things, or trying to, and the ensemble doesn't like it. Ellis tips off her assistant the loser that Derek favors Karen and Rebecca decides to keep her enemies drunker, and invites her out to hang, CELEB STYLEZ. Then Karen goes home to her estranged relationship and Dev makes a good attempt at patching things up by complimenting her and inviting her out to dinner, AWWWW. In econ we called this a quandary of choice. She chooses her celebrity date. Wouldn't you, you dirty slut? Rebecca doesn't waste any time outing Karen as Derek's "muse," and throws her into the ring with "Cooper," the band performing at the club they went to hang out at, which I can only assume is supposed to be some trendy alt-rock band, like a band that would never perform in a club where the attendees flaunt thirteen inch stilettos heels, but suspension of disbelief I guess. They only know how to play that Snow Patrol song because they teach it to you in fifth grade band class, and if they were a real band, they would NOT honor a request to be Karen's rock and roll karaoke backing band on a f-cking Snow Patrol song. JK I bet Cooper wished they penned that shit, IRL they are probably like the FreeCreditScore.com band or something. She didn't even take her coat off before she got up there. Rebecca says "you are not an understudy, you're a star!" Oh brother. The next time someone tells someone they are a star, everyone finish your drinks. Actually, I'd start chugging now, it's going to be a long recap. Just kidding.
Tom and Derek argue as the company listens. Derek gives a song to Marilyn's shadow voices, and Rebecca suggest Karen over Ivy. Ivy looks pissed. Loser assistant suggests Derek, Rebecca, and himself have a "sidebar," which I'm guessing is assistant slang for a private meeting and not for the awful threeway sex act I immediately pictured in my head because Smash is like that. Shouldn't have finished my drink! Rebecca over-steps her bounds and calls Dev a problem, and then makes Karen party with her in the worst party montage I've ever seen, and let me tell you, I've seen some awful iMovie montages. Karen is seduced by the movie star life and is one step away from being someone's cocaine bitch in the bathroom of Buddha Bar. I seens it. I SEENS IT.
Mr. Tea visits Julia and realize that boys will be boys, Leo ran away and duped them into thinking the other was watching him, The Divorced Parent Trap, now in theaters. A cop comes by and informs them that running away is the most dangerous thing a kid can do in New York. HA. Come on, Robocop, I've seen Home Alone. The most dangerous thing a kid can do in New York is a lot more fun, and a lot more illegal, probably. The Teas investigate Leo's disappearance by interrogating his best friend and weed dealer, Mason. Good detective work. It's pretty clear from his "acting" and 15-year-old demeanor that he is lying about not knowing anything. Sherlock Tea stares him down from the streets, or is Moriatea? Something tells me I won't care in five seconds.
Rebecca jacks Linda the personality-less production assistant to help her make a smoothie, although I think technically if you're using kale and flax seed it's just a juice? Like, no one puts kale in a smoothie. Smoothies are made of FRUITS, Right? RIGHT? It's details like this that make my whiskey disappear faster and ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THEY ARE USING AN IMMERSION BLENDER TO MAKE A JUICE AND CALLING IT A SMOOTHIE? Amateur hour. Derek complains about Rebecca, and Eileen puts Ellis in charge of her smoothies. Ellis, you're not a smoothie, and you're definitely not a star. Unless it's a production of The Worst. Then you get top billing, and sing the hit song "I'm The Nickelback of People."
Dev, Karen, and Rebecca go out to indian food together and Rebecca is predictably difficult, but honestly I prefer their uncomfortable table argument to Karen's disturbing imaginary Bollywood breakdown with Dev singing to her. I mean, I can respect a television show taking a risk on something really crazy like killing off a main character, but this is not so much a risk as the best attempt anyone in the history of the world has made at forcing me to jump in front of a moving bus as quickly as possible. Involving the whole cast? How did anyone do this scene without severing a piece of their soul into a horcrux? This was worse than Sex and the City 2, and that's not an insult I throw around lightly.
Eileen takes her ex-con boo to Brooklyn Academy of Music for some confusing wealthy people entertainment. Rich white dude # 1 says, of art: "You don't have to understand it, just respond to it." Oh, good, because I don't understand Smash but I HAVE A RESPONSE. I quit.
...just kidding, I'll see it through, but I won't like it. Tea finds out Leo is hiding at his friends house, so we can wrap up that loose end, and it looks like Tea and Mr. Tea will use their kid as a fulcrum to smash into each other again. Oh good, children of America, pay attention! All you need to do is scare your almost-divorced parents back together is pretend to run away! That'll teach them. Tea Jr. comes home in the end, and "dinner will make us all feel better." "Will it?" NO. NO IT WILL NOT. THAT BOLLYWOODISASTER REALLY HAPPENED. We need some sort of charity auction to recover from that shit. Has FEMA been called in yet?
Ivy asks Ellis to do her a favor. Given his skill set, it probably involves spying and/or s'ing a d somewhere, but that's speculation. Oh it's to send Karen a text that she's off for the day, and Derek puts Ivy in for her and she gets the song meant for Karen. Wow. She sings along to the closing montage, where everyone's stories reach a mostly happy resolution except for Rebecca's meddling with the script again! Oh no! Always meddling! I was worried that everything would work out and we'd go off to Smash-land, arm-in-arm, make a bajillion dollars in Karen action figures and fake-book sales of that stupid f-cking Bollywood song and call it a day. Actually, I was just hoping that something interesting would happen. Smash, like the stereotypical wife of sixteen years, whispers softly "not tonight Joe, I have a headache." Me too Smash. Me too. I'm not kidding.