As we open another SMASHING week of Smash and me smashing my head against the great glass table of life, wishing I could roll along (merrily) into my past and see exactly where I went so wrong as to dedicate at least two hours of my Tuesday to recapping this prime-time travesty (BREATH) with the arrival of a STAR. Considering Katherine McPoop and Scrunchface Hilty are both already stars, this star better be a HUGER star who can backflip and knows how to make our hearts explode with her man-hands. Oh good, according to the teaser commercials we got UMA "BLACK MAMBA" THURMAN. Let's hope they don't do the "black mamba" later, because then Ellis and Sam will be involved and they both suck, also racism. Black Mamba. Ellis wouldn't have lasted one training session with Pai Mei. "Let's be co-masters of kung-fu!" Yeah right.
Actually Uma isn't there yet. Uma is in Cuba. We don't even know her Smash name yet. TomJuliaDerek tells Karen she's going to understudy Marilyn just in case this "Duvall" doesn't show up ever, but Bobby and Sam express their doubts about her abilities, and her knee-cap's ability to withstand the wrath of Ivy Lynn, who finds out about Karen's new appointment and starts making Targaryen claims about her usurping the throne and how she's going to revenge her with fire and blood, etc. etc. Best part of the episode so far is finding out that "Targaryen" is already in the dictionary Google Docs uses to spell-check.
Eileen tells Ellis if he really wants co-producer credits he should go find Rebecca Duvall, but we all know that's code for "go get yourself rolled like a cigar in Communist Cuba for all I care." Put that snake on a plane, dammit.
Turns out Dev lost his political job to Denby, despite snatching Denby's weiner-pics and tattling on him. I guess Denby has friends in high places, or the pics were as boring as this storyline. His NY Times hottie-friend is his only confident, and you know what they say, if you can tell your occasional work-chum and not your girlfriend about your failures, you just might stick your Phantom in her Opera, amirite? Karen shows up to tell Dev about her success, and he can't bring himself to express his unmanly failure.
Tom and Sam and John (boyfriend Esq.) have a quick scene to establish that Tom and Sam are much more compatible "theater gays," I'm guessing? Julia and her son have a quick scene to remind us that her husband left her because she sucks, good for him, but poor Leo for having such a chai ho mother. Ivy has an angsty slow-motion montage singing my least favorite Kelly Clarkson song, the one that doubles as life-affirming for some and soul-crushing for those of us that had serious girlfriends use it as part of their reason for breaking up with us (not that I would know). Rebecca's assistant can't get her visa, so they're stuck in the land of understudies, but Karen sucks at staging, and everyone is taking bets on when she'll crack. At this point I'm just taking crack.
Tom and Julia have to get interview by an NYU reporter-child who, like a complete n00b amateur uses Wikipedia facts as the basis of his interview questions. Kids these days. You can totally source it, just don't admit it during the interview! "According to Wikipedia you guys have been writing partners for ten years..." HahahahahahahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JOURNALISM!
Dev and Karen discuss Derek and how he sexually harassed her in ep. 1, and she bounces real quick after they have a row. Hm, hurt feelings and misunderstandings and lies all sound like good fodder for emotional stakes!
Eileen continues to haggle with the investors who aren't happy and bring up her ex, Jerry, who would have never put them in this situation. Sure, he likes blondes and sucks at marriage but he KNEW HIS BUSINESS. Eileen goes to drown her sorrows at her local dive-bar with her local dive-bartender love interest Nick, who happens to have a fat-stack of cash to invest with, and "friends." So, the musical is going to be funded by an unconventional dive-bar trust, who just so happens to believe that an antiquated score and a stupid name like Bombshell JUST MIGHT WORK? Man, the only way this could get any worse is a towel dance!
So the guys start their towel dance while Derek does his scowl dance, and despite my cranky disposition, I really like Tom doing the Zanuck! Good song! So good I almost forgot about John, and so did Tom, and as he flirts with Sam a dapper-looking John shows up with coffees and decides to about-face, pouty and defeated. Why is it that the only remotely likeable men on the show are forced to be framed as uninteresting people who can't keep their significant others on the hook? I'm going to start a club and invite Frank and John and we'll throw darts at Julia's picture and put up a sign that says "No Broadway Allowed" on our clubhouse.
Tom and Julia attend a young person's staging of their show Three on a Match (cool Broadway name, bro), and Tom gives a heartfelt speech about their partnership and how he got her a gift (an apron signed by the cast) and she can't take all the husband-wife analogies and she bounces. Tom didn't know that Frank found out and left her, so he feels a bit bad, but I hope she stews for the rest of the season. She deserves it. No jokes. I hope it burns her like scalding hot tea on a baby's skin. A BABY.
Nick and Eileen go to what I think is Webster Hall to find more money. He shows her some aging rock star who might want to invest with all of his useless millions. Dope! Ellis does the due diligence on Grandpa Sabbath (he's clean) but digs up some dirt on Nick the bartender, too bad Eileen shoos him away before he can reveal the meaty details... uh oh, what could it BE?? Owes child support? KKK? Once bought tickets to Carrie: The Musical? P.S. where's Uma?
Dev goes with his NY Times hottie for comfort drinks and he still hasn't told Karen?? Woof. This is why relationships never work on television. One fight and he's already in some other girl's lap looking for comfort? Smash: always be giving men a ton of credit. Either we're uninteresting, chauvinist rapists, gay, weak, or some combination of the four. It's a woman's Smash. Julia steals her son's iPhone to spy on his texts, but it's totally justified, because she probably pays the bills anyone. High drama, really.
Now Tom is talking about the Knicks over breakfast in front of John and we can assume we've got a love triangle going. A pink love triangle? John calls him out on his Sam-crush and leaves. Smash is giving us great advice! When things get hard, just run away. Everyone else is doing it. Uma ran away and she didn't even get here yet. Wait where the f*ck is she?
Derek and Karen are fighting about staging and he hallucinates that she IS Marilyn. Super meta (is meta the word? Man, this is some good crack). Derek later goes to Karen's apartment to tell her that Rebecca is coming in sooner rather than later but she did a great job, good effort! Unfortunately, not only was she dressed in sexy clothes for Dev, but he walks up just as Derek is leaving and they get into a fight (or as Dev would say, "a bit of a tiff, eh bugga?"). Everybody is confused, especially the guy typing the closed-captions. "How do I type "grunts, but in a weird British accent?"
Eileen brings the investors to Nick's dive bar where Randy Cobra sets their contracts on fire in what I can only imagine is a dream I have every night where they are the writers of Smash and I am Randy Cobra, stinking of whiskey and burps, putting their storylines in a bucket, pouring some Evan Williams all over, and lighting a match and laughing like it's my job. On a related note, I wonder what Nick's secret is! Finally, something to look forward to besides my weekly trip to the E.R.
This week's angsty end-of-the-show montage includes Karen singing, Ivy creeping, Nick and Eileen making out, Julia reunited with tea at a coffee shop looking gloomy, Derek fantasizing about Karen, and FINALLY Reblacka mamba-Duvall showing up in the last thirty seconds. Seriously, Smash? That one scene is in every f*cking commercial leading up to the show advertising her as this week's guest star and she's only in it for ten seconds? I hate you like a fat kid hates rice cakes.