Honestly, Coldplay, What the Hell Are You Doing?
  • FRIDAY, MARCH 03, 2017

  • Posted by: Robert Steiner



So Coldplay put out a song I guess. No, not that boring-ass, lifeless cry for relevance they did with The Chainsmokers; they've put out another song that's somehow even more boring. I really gave their new lyric video for "Hypnotised" a fair chance, because somewhere buried deep in my mind, probably near the place where Bing-Bong from Inside Out died, I still had an affinity for Coldplay. I honest-to-God liked their stuff for a good portion of my life, basically up to the last five years. But now I'm done. The band finally broke me down with yet another insultingly run-of-the-mill ballad about being happy or something, featuring third-grade level metaphors like "float like an eagle" and "fall like the rain" that are too unforgivably corny even for Chainsmokers standards. Most bands eventually realize they've been beating a dead horse for too long and try something else; Coldplay has seemed to cover the dead horse in neon paint and expect it to keep on riding.

It's honestly baffling how far the band has dive-bombed in terms of quality, especially when they have multiple albums of genuinely good music. But this new track is so mind-alteringly boring that after listening to it a few times, I'm not sad, angry, or even disappointed. I'm just confused. Why does the chorus to this song ("Now Im hip, hypnotized / Yeah I trip when I look in your eyes") sound like a frat bro writing a love song to his girlfriend of nine days? Why does the video look like unused b-roll for an Oregon tourism video? How is the song almost six goddamn minutes and goes absolutely nowhere? It's almost like in their furious attempt to be sentimental and meaningful, Chris Martin and co. have instead made a hollow shell of a song that's so overtly sugar-coated that it should come with a diabetic warning. I wish I had something good to say about it, I really do, but the reality is that this song offers no reason to exist, from its generic instrumentation to its half-assed lyrics.

Please, Coldplay, you're so much better than this. For the sake of your longtime, old school fans, do something else. Do an anniversary tour, no shame in become a legacy act! U2 finally figured that out, and Lord knows you worship those guys! You guys already have several actually good piano-driven, melancholy ballads, so why force out another one like you're trying to get toothpaste out of an empty tube? Then again, we all know this song's going to hit number one on the charts if it hasn't already. It'll probably get millions, if not billions of streams, and plenty of people will tell their Facebook friends that it's the best song they've ever heard in their tweenage lives. So what do I know? If this many people are truly into Coldplay's current aesthetic, which can be best described as "unicorn vomit," then they really don't need to change all that much. It's just a shame for the fans who were alive to see when they didn't look like middle-aged men who go to raves, that's all. I'll personally just pretend they magically vanished after Mylo Xyloto and leave it at that.
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