Warning: this week is really boring. Feel free to go get a snack.
The show (Marilyn
) is in BIG trouble and everyone is pointing fingers at people-- jazz fingers, I'd assume. Could it be that the writers built in trouble for the show within a show to metaphorically represent the trouble the show might be in just in case it didn't do well and they needed to bring in a big star to replace Megan Hilty and therefore save both the show and the show within a show? This isn't Battlestar Galactica
, you probably shouldn't read too much into it. I am worried about this recap, to be honest, because despite all the supposed backstabbing, this was a pretty boring episode, even by network TV standards.
Julia is in bed with a bowl of grapes, which might as well be failure grapes, because no one will return her calls about the failing show and Leo has to go to court to battle his weed ticket and her husband is wearing a stupid hat and doing Guitar Hero to cheer her up. Those grapes must be SOUR. Seriously, whoever thought Mr. Julia doing Bob Marley in a slightly off-kilter baritone was a good idea must have been as stoned as Leo. HI-YO! Also I take issue with a science teacher magically having the ability to do the entire Guitar Hero song on Medium without looking at the screen. At least Leo is enjoying it from his room, because every teenager enjoys the sound of their atonal father cranking out rasta-tunes at whatever time of day it's supposed to be. I'm sorry, is the Michael Swift cheatery-arc over with no consequences? SOMEONE MUST PAY. FOR THE COUCH CLEANING.
Ellis is still fishing for Eileen's favor at her new office when in walks her daughter, Katie. She has a backpack so we can assume she's been gone for years and is some sort of globe-trotting hippie. Derek has a secret meeting with Karen about a secret songwriter and a secret extra song for her to sing in the show. Obviously, no one can know. NO ONE CAN KNOW. EVERYONE WILL PROBABLY KNOW VERY SOON.
Ellis reports back to Tom that he heard Eileen on the phone with Derek talking about Karen and Tom tells Julia so now within five seconds of "nobody can know), everybody knows. Loose lips sink showboats! Ellis couldn't keep a secret if it was stapled to his forehead. Don't trust Ellis with sneaking the ring into Mordor, that's all I'm saying.
Karen ventured to the bowels of second avenue to secretly meet with Derek, and since the only thing second avenue is good for in the eyes of these Broadway Smash-ers is Curry Row (I guess), she comes back with ingredients to make a spicy curry for Dev (actually a plausible turn of events). Too bad he has dinner plans with his hot reporter friend, who wants to give him some dirt on his political opponent and make her own spicy curry to go with Dev's Shawarma so she can naan his falafel. Whew. Feels good to be making sex euphemisms with something other than the collected works of Rogers and Hammerstein.
Ivy is working off her anxiety at the gym. That's healthy! Karen is being squirrelly and can't do the secret song behind everyone else's backs, but Derek insists because she is going to meet Ryan Tedder! Whoa, is he going to write another version of "Apologize" with different lyrics for her? Ryan is running the show, which means he gets to shush Derek. I wish I could tell this show to shut up, because it's putting me to sleep by being normal and rational and mostly drama free, minus Ellis the meddler and whatever super secret project Karen is being thrust into.
Julia goes Law and Order on the judge at Leo's hearing but luckily her stupidity doesn't destroy Leo's chances of getting his ticket dismissed. Another happy ending. Another boring sideplot comes to a boring end.
MEANWHILE: Hahahahaha Eileen's daughter is complaining about getting three million dollars in her trust fund because Mommy needs money too! Rich people problems. She sees Ellis being a little weasel listening in on their meeting and yells at him but it's too late, Derek calls to tell Eileen "it's going well" and they're "on for tonight," and now everybody knows even more, except I'm still unclear about who this "katie" is and why I should care about anything that's happening this week.
The dancer gang goes bowling at Brooklyn Bowl to take Ivy's mind off how Marilyn is in dire straits. Somehow it turns into less bowling and more dancing, like an awful Disney made-for-TV movie montage, all over the place. I'd like to note that the staff at Brooklyn bowl would definitely have a problem with a bunch of adults dancing on the very well-maintained lanes, as I may or may not know from whiskey-fueled experience. Seriously, this week is so boring, I'm going to start drinking now.
Dev feels the sting of his British heritage not playing so well in American politics, because his opponent is stealing his speech thunder. Those salacious pictures are starting to look like an option! He invites RJ and a few friends over to till, but Karen walks in and infuses some good wholesome Midwestern guilt on him and his secrets. Dev isn't interested in RJ. FINE. We're not really interested in Dev. This relationship is as compelling as My Antonia. We're only watching this stupid show for the 10th grade drama-club hijinx. Stop being so normal and mature and get some awkward blowjobs, you wanker. Ugh, I hate it when couples on TV shows work and it's not the series finale. BORINGGGGGGGGGGG. Drink.
Ellis tells Ivy about what Derek said to Eileen about Karen and Julia and Tom. There's no way his intel could be vague or misconstrued. Now even ensemble guy knows (something)! Ellis's girlfriend offers a voice of reason, "I'm sorry, why are you meddling?" NO ONE KNOWS! Ellis decides he wants to be a producer, but I'm pretty sure producers don't perpetually confuse everyone into hating each other, isn't their job the opposite? Drink.
Eileen takes her daughter Katie to see her barfriend Nick. Drink.
Derek tells Karen she's afraid of the sex. "It's what Marilyn had. Just think about it." No, I will NOT think about it, it's stupid. Eileen, Katie, Julia, and Tom all have a secret meeting in Brooklyn (the most secret of places, who goes there anyway??) and Ellis brings Ivy to spy on them. Man, this guy can ruin ANYTHING. Ellis uses some stainless steel? Stains it. Wears a wrinkle-proof shirt? Wrinkles it. Opens a box of cereal? Burns it.
Karen sings her Britney Spears knock-off Ryan Tedder penned song, and it's clear they are trying to infuse some pop into the musical, which is actually a smart move in today's market. All that Miss Saigon standard BS isn't gonna be dethroning Rock of Ages when it comes down to it, amirite? We need autotune! The choreography, however, is a bit creepy/rapey. Karen sings from a bed-jail as weird masked figures take pictures and try to grope her. What did we just see? Derek and Eileen ARE the coup. They went behind Julia and Tom's backs and proposed a new direction in the eternal tradition of Lady Gaga. That was the big secret? Drink.
Katie is mad that her mom would do something so blatantly back-stabby and sneaky. She explains that stuff like this is why she left her show business family and fled to Micronesia. Haha. She calls herself "MahatmaKatie." LOLs for charity. This episode is so boring, she's even writing the jokes for me. Seriously, this episode could cure ADD. I have no idea what that means. Drink.
Ryan Tedder apologizes for being on the show. It's OK Ryan Tedder. We know you need money to eat. A vindictive Ivy accuses Karen of stabbing Tom and Julia in the back like a smug B, because if there is one thing we're sure of at this point, it's that Karen really lacks any semblence of a moral center. Just kidding! She's like f*cking Mother Theresa, are you guys kidding? You could cut the tension with your finger, because no tension. Drink.
Tom mad, so he waits around to have it out with D-bag. Tom and Derek have their moment of catharsis. Backstabbing! They used to be friends! Derek's dad is gay! Tom is too much of a pussy to write gritty drug-addicted songs! Derek is a wanker! Neither of them is quitting the show! Drink!
Speaking of backstabbing (the audience), Ellis is now Eileen's full time assistant. WAIT A SECOND. So his "two-weeks notice" to Tom was just a handshake and a thanks-for-nothing? No one has a bigger problem with this little insufferable douche? Tom just takes it? No one is concerned this meddling teen is going to continually Scooby-Doo the whole f*cking project again and again? Check please. Wait, hold the check and bring me another drink.
Dev's blackmail didn't work. The Chief of Staff made his rival's dick pics disappear. The Teflon Don eh? Let me put on my intrigued face as I pretend to care about YET ANOTHER meaningless subplot. If next week sucks harder than this, I will a) refer it to YouPorn and b) recap Drunk History style.
MahatmaKatie decorates her mom's apartment to look like a Pottery Barn Kid's catalog. Tom breaks it to Ivy that she's being replaced. Ivy cries. Drink.
Dev likes Karen's curry, they kisZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Meanwhile, Ivy is upset. Derek shows up. He comforts her. They do it. The PF Chang's commercial that played right after was more interesting than these relationships. Where are you, tea?
NEXT TIME ON SMASH: I consume an entire bottle of Jameson 12-Year before recapping.
Read all the previous recaps here.