15 'Alternative Facts' About the Grammys
  • FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 03, 2017

  • Posted by: Robert Steiner

We're a little over a week away from the Grammys, the biggest and most important event in music that's somehow simultaneously not cool enough to get the people who are nominated to show up. In these tense political times, it might be hard to find anything to celebrate about, but that's okay because you can bet the winners of the night will use their acceptance speeches to get on their soapboxes and remind us how much everything sucks. At the same time, it's the perfect opportunity to forget about the many problems in the world for a while, listen to some good music, and revel when our favorite artists passive-aggressively throw shade at each other during their speeches.

As the Grammys are meant to highlight the biggest hits and trendsetters in music, I thought it would be fun to tie in the other big trend of 2017: Good old alternative facts! What's that? Alternative facts aren't an actual thing and anyone who seriously uses and believes in that term are little weasels who are too spineless to own up to the fact that they're lying to our faces? See, that might be a fact, but I alternatively think that fact is wrong. Therefore, I am right. #Checkmate. Anywho, in honor of music's biggest night, here are some little-known alternative facts about our favorite nominees and inevitable winners:

1. 21 Pilots were originally a full band of 21 pilots, but only two members remain because all their schedules were always up in the air.

2. Lukas Graham, in order to truly get into the mindset of growing up, took seven years to write the song "7 Years," starting at the age of seven. The first draft allegedly consisted of his name and age written in bad handwriting and a bunch of doodles of elephants.

3. Adele wrote "Hello" on the spot when her mates egged her on to sing karaoke to "Hello" by Lionel Richie during a night out. Having absolutely no idea how the song went or any of its lyrics, but never one to back down from a challenge, she ad-libbed one of the biggest songs of the year.



4. Rihanna came up with the hook to "Work" while frustratingly shouting at her computer to "work work work work work" when Netflix's servers were down. Unable to binge-watch Stranger Things, she wrote the entire song in a sheer fit of boredom.

5. Mike Posner took a pill in Ibiza, but it was actually just a sugar pill. Like any good friend, Avicii just wanted to mess with him and see how far it would go. Placebo's a hell of a drug, kids.

6. Originally, David Bowie's Blackstar was nominated for every single category, but in order to give the rest of the nominees a fighting chance, he was only limited to the rock categories. That is the absolutely true and only acceptable explanation as to why the Grammys subbed one of the most important artists of all time and one of the best albums of the year.



7. Arcade Fire is expected to win Album of Year, despite not being nominated, just because the Grammy Association had so much fun blindsiding everyone the first time.

8. Justin Vernon of Bon Iver came up with 22, A Million's elaborate song titles by closing his eyes, furiously smacking his phone repeatedly, and letting autocorrect work its magic.

9. In light of her pregnancy announcement, it turns out the Grammys were going to be Beyonce's baby shower all along. The Grammy Association in turn will give her every award possible as gifts for the little ones.



10. Sturgill Simpson originally conceived A Sailor's Guide To Earth as a literal guide to Earth. That plan was short-lived when he realized that, like everyone else on the planet, he has no idea what the hell's going on either.

11. For the past month, everyone has told Justin Beiber the wrong date for the Grammys in hopes that he won't show up and miss it by a full two weeks.

12. Grammys host James Corden has completely fired his vocal chords after doing a Carpool Karaoke with every single artist who is nominated this year.



13. Drake's album cover for Views was, in fact, a candid picture. He had wandered up to the top of Toronto's CN Tower because that was literally the only place he could get AT&T's shitty, shitty reception on his phone.

14. Each Grammy trophy comes with a tiny record of "We Are the Champions" by Queen, which the winner can play using their trophy as a record player to make the win that much sweeter.

15. The Chainsmokers are highly creative and talented artists.

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