10 Songs to Make Olympic Figure Skating More Watchable
  • MONDAY, FEBRUARY 03, 2014

  • Posted by: K. Hess

It's looking like progressive change is probably not going to be a theme of the 2014 Sochi Games, but let's suspend our disbelief for a few moments and take the opportunity to inject a little bit of diversity into a Winter Games favorite: Figure Skating. The sport walks a strange line between art and athletics, but the art side seems to be confined to a few recycled classical pieces like 'Romeo & Juliet' or 'Carmen' with the occasional racy update from 'West Side Story' or an instrumental of The Rolling Stones'. So we've made a few artistic suggestions that might help to break the sport out of it's cycle of monotony. 1. Chromeo "Come Alive" feat. Toro Y Moi "Come Alive" lends itself perfectly to the ice skaters' need for up beat trick-worthy energy as well as dispersed moments of pause to catch breath. Not only does the music have this, but what could be more skater friendly than the 80s lycra and/or sequin studded duds that show up in their videos. Throw on a pair of Dave 1's beloved Wayfarers, and the cold sport might even rank with the cool kids.
2. Daft Punk - "Get Lucky" Even without Pharrell Williams' smooth vocals, Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" lends itself to smooth skating. Chilled out enough to arabesque glide across the ice to, but bopped up enough to incorporate as many butterfly jumps as one's icy heart desires. Groove compatibility aside, let's talk silver and gold ice skating robots. Anyone who can land an axel in DP helmets deserves a precious medal.
3. Insane Clown Posse - "Miracles" For starters, I couldn't think of a group more alienated from the world of figure skating than the Juggalos. What's more, their song "Miracles" is a Juggalo's ode to the simple pleasures of the complicated beauty of life. Not to mention the dramatic potential of clown make-up on the ice. Perhaps Faygo could sponsor the event?
4. MOBB DEEP - "Taking You Off Here" We found a group more alienated from figure skating than Juggalos: fans of gangster rap. Rife with dark emotionality, Prodigy and Havoc might not be as far removed from the spirit of figure skating as you might think. Their New York street subtle single chain and beanie style might not be the bling-spiration skaters strive for in their costuming, but just visualize the gold medal death spiral that the beat of "Taking You Off Here" inspires.
5. The Darkness - "The Horn" Justin Hawkins is two blades away from being a figure skater himself. Score a medley of his operatic vocals, cut out the snare, and you've barely offended the delicate sensibilities of the notoriously stuffy judges.
6. Jim Jarmusch (SQURL) and Jozef Van Wissem - "The Taste of Blood" The single from Jarmusch's latest film, Only Lovers Left Alive, is a beautiful instrumental track. It builds tension with incredible veracity. An Olympic pair could skate the delicate line between raw feeling and disciplined control over this. We recommend bright white hair and black garb down to the skates. Is there any way to light the rink in black and white?
7. St. Vincent - "Digital Witness" Speaking of bright white hair: how about St. Vincent? Replace the black and white costumes recommended for a Jarmusch routine with bold block colors and ditch his shades for wide eyes. This chick's funky 80s post-disco track "Digital Witness" could be just the thing to break figure skating out of musical monotony. Isn't figure skating just roller disco with two blades instead of four wheels?
8. Lorde - "Royals" Can zombies glide? We all know that Lorde isn't exactly an image of dancing divinity, but her minimalistic, Grammy-winning song would grant ample room for some over-the-top interpretive dancing.
9. Broken Bells - "Holding on for Life" This track is perfectly punctuated to set up and land every jump with pause and purpose. Can you see the synchronized post-landing poses? How about the dramatic final dip? Are spot lights regulation? For costumes we suggest the Barbarella style space gear from the video. While we're updating figure skating to the present why not jump further and bust all the way into the future.
10. Deafheaven - "Dream House" EXTREME FIGURE SKATING. Who says snowboarders are the only ones who know how to party? But in all seriousness, the searing guitars and sentimental fury of Deafheaven could take that Lutz jump to devastating new heights.
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