Where, Oh Where Will the Juggalos Go
  • FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2014

  • Posted by: Matt Howard

The Gathering of the Juggalos—that mystical summer music festival attended by the guys in your high school who dipped their weed in embalming fluid—is currently, and unsurprisingly homeless. After getting booted from Cave-In-Rock, Illinois, where Insane Clown Posse and other JNCO-jeaned tough acts spent the past six summers, the festival was scheduled to relocate to Kaiser, Missouri to celebrate their 15th anniversary. But, oh no! After realizing who they just invited into their neighborhood, the 11 Kaiser residents (a rough estimation) revoked their invitation.

Psychopathic Records is currently scrambling to find a new location. They released a statement yesterday that ensured those who purchased tickets and campsite passes would be refunded in full, though it has not been confirmed what form of currency they'd be using as repayment—a whole bunch of Faygo? They also seem to be a bit worried that their faithful Juggalos might act out against the people of Kaiser:

We also want to add that the owners of the campground did not have a problem with the Gathering being held on their property and have mad love for all people, including Juggalos. We have been working with them to make sure this was going to be one of the greatest Gatherings ever and they have been nothing but supportive, kind hearted and open minded. They also fully understood what the Gathering was and were fully willing to welcome us with open arms (after all, this is the same spot that hosts a biker rally every year).

We feel kinda bad for Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J's current predicament. When Middle American bumble towns turn you away, where else can you go?

Canada?



They say Sunnyvale Trailer Park is a fictional place, but I don't believe that for one damned second. Sure, Bubbles and the boys like Rush—they are Canadian—but Ricky doesn't need his year-10 understand how much these make-up wearing dopes would want his cash crop.

Sturgis?



A town that welcomes half a million motorcycle "enthusiasts" every year is a town for this group of handjobs. If we're lucky, Spike and the fellas of Satan's Helpers biker gang might knock some sense into the Juggalos, or just make a killing selling them crank.

Find Out Where Teen Mom Scouts Talent



MTV's producers somehow manage to find the most mentally deficient characters in uncharted podunk territories. Add Juggalos and suddenly we have ourselves some television gold.

Sochi?



Surely to become a barren wasteland within a month, Sochi might be a stretch, as we would never assume that Juggalos have any form of legal, photo IDs, let alone passports, but wouldn't it be perfect? There's no way in hell they'd ever make it back. Underdeveloped, swarmed with stray dogs, and isn't there some flesh-eating Russian drug that's all the rage? Juggalo Utopia.

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