A STUDY IN POP LYRICS (WITH VIDEOS!)

Pictured above: A real life analogy for pop lyrics.
Many have claimed recently, however erroneously, that declining music sales are due to the absolute crap music that populates the top shelf of your local Best Buy. While such a broad claim is virtually unprovable and probably one piece of a larger puzzle (however true), there is one thing that we can all agree on: lyrical nuance is not a top priority. Today's pop landscape can sometimes be very flat, easy navigated by people with an IQ of less-than-or-equal-to 55, super effing auto-tuned, and chock full of lyrics that sound like they were written by a five year old monkey.

Today, we will explore some of the worst offenders of this final trend of ridiculous lyricism, in the form of laughter, mockery, and dumb people jokes. Let's go.

Keep in mind the music/melodic content of most of these is usually fine, as well as some seriously respectable and impressive video quality, all well produced by a team of experts and professionals. But some of the lyrical concepts defy belief that they made it onto a piece of paper and someone said "awesome song! great job! here are some keys to a brand new SMART CAR!"

1. Jason Derulo "Hit Me With A Text"


Now I'm all for using modernity in songs, particularly incorporating technology in fun and interesting ways. BUT, let's pump the brakes. A poem about an iPhone is blood boiling and horrendous, and so is AN ENTIRE F*CKING SONG ABOUT TEXTING. Are you kidding me? There is nothing metaphorical, affecting or empathetic about little keypads or phone sex. It isn't even interesting on the surface level. That is, unless you're not legally allowed to operate heavy machinery due to your IQ.

2. Taio Cruz "Break Your Heart"


Now this one makes me a little bit of a hypocrite, because I like this song. Sorry MOM. And it emphasizes the importance of a catchy hook, sure. Bygones.

But when you break down the lyrics, Cruz is basically saying he is a giant man-whore, and he is totally full of himself (like a vampire or something, right?). "If you fall for me/I'm not easy to please". That is some vampire talk if I ever heard it. Be careful with loving me, I only roll to the club when it's DARK! (ugh, sorry). I can't even fabricate another level of meaning for this guy. The song has as much depth as a kiddie pool, and the lyrics contain a proportionate amount of crap.

3. Rihanna "Rude Boy"


It bothers me that Rihanna has made a career out of saying/repeating words all weird, like "buoy" and "wutchoo". It bothers me more that she has an entire song about errectile dysfunction, calling it "rude". Inigo Montoya does not think that word means what you think it means. Either that or Web MD got you twisted, son!

2.Ke$ha "Blah Blah Blah"


Leave it to our favorite Hefty trash bag spokeswoman to have an entire song based on a nonsense word, with nonsense lyrics, and a nonsense face. Ke$ha reminds me of that time I had to clean up cat vomit at my parents house. I hate cats. Man the text joke in the beginning was actually funny! The chorus intro is almost kind of catchy! But every "holla" in the background and "blah" that trails off makes me die a little inside. Please quit your day job. There has to be a Hardee's somewhere with an open waitress position.

1. Everything the Black Eyed Peas have written in the past two years.

"Boom Boom Pow"


Huh? It isn't 3008? What is happening? What are laser fingers? Other candidates:

"I'ma Be"

No.

"I Gotta Feelin'"

Kill me.

You know you're in trouble when the title of your song is 95% of the lyrical material, and it's more or less a thinly veiled metaphor for sex, and possibly the secret underground transhumanist agenda. But seriously, I appreciate the conspiracy theories and stuff, but I don't think will.i.am can even tie his shoes, much less understand the symbolism behind robots and cyborgs. Although he is one of the few musicians I know who has multiple Grammys AND a Daytime Emmy. Seriously.

I'ma be crying myself to sleep tonight. See you next time. -joe puglisi